Wishlist..

I wish sometimes I could leave the room and be in it at the same time

I wish sometimes I could say things to people just to know how they would feel and then turn back time

I wish advice could be applied as easily as it is given

I wish I knew more often that life is not about people who arent in it, but about thoes who are

I wish I realized sooner that family is not a burden, but a responsibility

I wish sometimes I could die, just so I know how much I would miss the life I now take for granted.

I wish apologies would come easily

I wish love would come even more easily

I wish truth was never so elusive
then again sometimes I wish it is.

I wish I could truly learn from my mistakes

I wish I had no inhibitions

I wish....

Done!

There comes a point of time in your life, when you look at all the choices you made, and it’s not the good ones, it’s always the bad ones you will think about. Because it’s the bad ones that change you and make you realize that there is something wrong, something wrong with those choices.

It takes one friend, 1 bottle of wine, and 1 long night…

This is a confession, and hence I dare but I will say it anyways for I have nothing to loose, I am done!

So when I look at the pattern of the bad choices, I see now I attract the opposite, I see my need for the confused and the immature, the ones who stare at the blank and except it to give you answers, not realizing the answers lie within.

And it all makes sense now, when I have it all figured out in my head, I enjoy the ambiguity the uncertainty that my choices bring. I feel I could do with a bit of irrationality and immaturity. But this approach ends in a sort of pain which is so deep I can’t sense it. I am in denial.

But not anymore…

I am done brooding over my choices, I am done hoping for them, I am done enjoying the ambiguity and I am done with the uncertainty. Anticipation is no fun.

I just need something to happen, I need a sign that things are going to change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope! And in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed a feel like I'm going to die today.

Pray

Every Sunday our group meets with a couple of kids to help enlighten them about general knowledge current affairs etc. Lately, every few Sundays later the only topic that has been in discussion is the blasts, Bangalore, Jaipur, Ahemdabad and now Delhi.

It’s disturbing to even have such a topic in our everyday conversation, its disturbing that most of us talk about it so matter of factly. It’s disturbing that amidst all this blame game and an attempt to “fight against terrorism”, we all know somewhere that there is no real solution to it. Every day and every hour, we are living in growing fear. A fear which is a latent result of what we can’t ignore and stares us in the face.

I am completely against, the way the media deals with such sensitive situations, constant bombardment of photographs, videos, pictures and comments from victims of blasts is no way to help the nations people deal with grievance. A friend comments on this opinion, he says “I don’t think any one is mournful, the world is way past such feelings – if you amass them that is, what they do anguish is that someday and sooner than they think, their sons., daughters, parents and grandparents will find themselves to be victims of such a situation, and there is no f-ing way to counter that, that is disturbing!”

Maybe he is right, but I still believe, people grieve for more than just their own. I have found myself caught amidst the chaos of two blasts, one in 2003 and another in 2006. Both the times, I had to walk a considerable distance with random people, because the transport system was shut down, and all anyone of us really wanted was to get home and fast. During that walk nothing crossed my mind, it was probably blank, there was nothing anyone could do. Its only after I reached home I realized the magnanimity of the chaos I was caught in and I remember now the chill that ran down my spine.

But, what really bothers me is the powerlessness; if it is me who is the victim of such a misery should I have the ability and intention to do something about it. While everyone agrees to this, they are laughing, because they know there is nothing one could do. (and i beg to differ)

But I pray, I pray for the ones who lost their lives for they may all be blessed to heaven, I pray for their friends and relatives for they may all be blessed with courage and then I pray for I hope this world be a better place.

"know when to walk..know when to walk..know when to walk..away"

havent blogged in ages, been super busy at work (okai, no i am lying) but i have been super busy ruminating over work, life, politics, etc.

Working is just too hard, and the more I think about it, the more I feel I should be a travel writer or join some social service, or just study further.

Come to think of it , i dont think you can really truly madly deeply love work. Can you? C'mon stop and think, are you enjoying your work? Now now, dont give your self all that bull crap about its a learning experience, it'll add value in the future. Admit it, you just work for pay cheques . You and i we both do.

and on all days, when you get up and go to work and leave work with a smile, your just rationalizing, .. your rationalizing that effort you just put in.. when the truth is when you do what you really like, there is no effort, there is no need to rationalize.

Don’t get me wrong though, I am not lazy, and I have ambition... oodles of it! There is just no drive, which in my opinion is different from ambition.

So how do we know when we like our work? You dont, you just figure it out. In my opinion, you never get there; you just jump from one job to another (let compensation justify most of your descions). Its kind of like relationships, when your in one, you always feel there is something better out there.

But, the silver lining here is uncertainty and restlessness that comes with this, which allows you to make sudden decisions which will impact you lives and makes you a better person.

Problem is ..., how do you know when you are making the right decision??

Is it just the natural human predeliction for greener grass on the other side that sends my thoughts careening through paths that I feel my life will now never be able to take? Or have my eyes opened to the fact that what I have fought for and now slyly acheived is far less than my fertile imagination had promised it would be?

Perhaps this is fitting retribution for the selfish lies I have said to feed that fantasy. With my hands wrapped around a dream, I floated too far away from the familiar, the safe and the accepted to ever come back. And yet as that dream slowly crystalized into reality, I realized that I was falling at a fast clip towards a lifetime dedicated to disappointment and self-recrimination. I am heading there now - the hard truth of my choices rushing up to meet me with deadly force. And rather than face that spectre, I want to anchor myself to another dream - this time even more prepostrous - of filled with cynicism.

I struggle to remind myself why I had scorned that in the first place, but all my stubborn mind wants to bring up is the satisfied smile on faces dearly beloved, the warmth of a choice well received, the slumber of one not riddled with myriad guilty secrets.

There is a part of me that screams in warning - telling me to not dare forget the hollow emptiness of dreams discarded, the climbing frustration of sacrifices made at enormous prices taken for granted - almost demanded, of the possibility of a far from story book ending of which I have already had a poisonous taste. The venom of that experience must be fading from my blood, for I no longer can use my righteous outrage and sorrow as a sheild against the entreaties of those whom I have never denied before.

And yet - when I followed my foolish dream to escape the system, I unwittingly made commitments to a life I now find myself afraid to lead. While I no longer beleive there is much pain to be suffered by another - for a lot of the emotion had been as much a figment of my imagination as my "happily ever after" - I still quail at the thought of looking my mistake in the eye. And once turned back, what if my stupid mind trows up roadblocks and regrets again? Perhaps I am fated to forever stand at the mouth of the crossroads alone - undecided and fearful of each, yet coveting both destinations.

Whats your question..

Today was my first day, and we played a little game, each of the little ones were asked to ask a question to which they have been dying to know an answer to. And us, the so called more educated and more mature ones would attempt to answer them.

After a silence of about 30 seconds, the questions started pouring in. Why is there this difference between women and men? Why do only women pay dowry? Why was Gandhi a Mahatma. We answered all of them. We, all educated smart, well do to individuals. Independent. Intelligent. I am sure we all did a good job.

Then there was someone who didnt ask any question. We wanted to give everyone a chance so we asked her to think hard there defintely was something to which she wanted an answer.

Her question was simple.

Why dont I get what I always want?

We looked at each other. It was a simple question. A question which crossed all our minds at some point, and yet somehow we never thought of it.I dont think we had the right answer to it either. We turned it back to another question. But still I dont think we answered it at all. Why dont we get what we always want? Why do things slip away so fast? Why does the possible seem so difficult?

I told her, I would answer her question next time as I needed some time to think. I am thinking now but I dont think i have an answer yet.

DO you?

I want so badly to hate you
Yet I don't

I want so badly to put my hands around your throat and choke you.
But I won't.

I hope that this time you are taking is worth every second
Every minute
Every hour
Every day
E-ver-y week

I hope this time prunes you to become the mature.God fearing man you were meant to be

I hope it gives you the confidence and faith to go after what you want no matter how many times that you hear the word no.
Cause coming back around this time won't be easy.

Be sure to come with a steady foundation and strong locked backbone. For I might not be around to see it.

I hope this time brings you some courage. Makes you stronger to face your own fears.

Beacuse this world has no place for timid and self conscious fools..

Silent Boycott..

There are pesticides in coke, and now a study by Greenpeace has identified, genetically modifying ingredients in PepsiCo’s brand of chips.

Yesterday, the results of their survey confirmed that there are ingredients such has Mon 863 and NK 603 present in these chips which have some serious health impacts like weight gain, variations in growth etc. A little research shows that these items are actually used as pesticides to help control the growth of worms.

What is disturbing, is that India has recently become a dumping ground for such hazardous chemicals present in almost every food items promoted by the MNCs. And yes, at one end there is the regulatory system to blame, which in india is not as upto the mark. In Europe the discovery of such, items has led to instant ban of such products, but here we continue to have them on our shelves and continue to feed them to our childeren.

Ever thought why you feel like consuming the whole packet of pringles? Or the waffers? Its not because they are tasty, its because they contain the chemical salt Monosodium glutamate more popularly known as Aginomoto. This salt kind of sticks to you tounge and makes you want more of that same taste and hence sending your brain the singles to keep consuming more.

But here is the real story, research has proven that consumtion of MSG leads to headaches, stomach cramps,anxiety, shortness of breath, chest pain etc among other things. And to know that we consume these items on a daily basis and even get children, whose bodies have yet not fully been developed, addicted to them is a shocker.

So instead, of taking the easier route and blaming the authorites, I would request and recommend each one to boycott these products, do not entertain such dumping by buying these items and consuming them.

A few more reasons to boycott coke/pepsi :

Hazard to environment and health: In India Coca Cola was found to have 30 times more pesticides than the European Union standard. A Indian High Court ruling requires it to mention pesticide levels on bottles. Farmers find it a cheaper alternative for other pesticides in the market. The sludge coming out of a Coca Cola plant destroys fields and crops in the vicinity. When BBC tested this sludge in UK it was found to have Cadmium and Lead.

Damage to environment and communities: Coca Cola is a major threat to precious ground water resources which common people use for drinking and irrigation purposes. In Plachimada, Kerala, India, water has dried up in a radius of 3 km from the plant site. This situation threatens to displace 20,000 local habitants, while at the same time the bottling plant only gives employment to 50 local people.The Supreme Court of India found the Company guilty of painting the Himalaya rocks with huge publicity announcements/panels.

Threat to peace : Coca Cola was the fifth largest donor to George Bush in the war at Iraq,Pepsico was fourth

Coke and Pepsi threaten WHO over health report on sugar intake

A friend pointed out that I am regressing back to the Gandhian approach of a silent boycott, while I am not a big fan of the Satyagraha (but thats for another post and another day) I do believe that the only way to fight these corporate giants is by exercising our right as the public.

So go on, join the boycott!

Princess Banter

Some days I just feel like being random and speak in tidbits instead of coherent sentences. Today is one of thoes days
So here goes

I. Keep Moving

Everyone has bad days right? And every once in a while we get slammed.Right?Today was a pothole down my road... more like a giant manhole infested with maggots the size of big macs. I don't know why I constantly let trivial things get to me like the pettiness of people, for instance. I know I am above it, I know I cam be more rational and act a lilttle bit mature.. but hell no!

If anything, I try to live my life so rationally and apply so much logic and understanding to prove to myself that the choices that I didn’t make but have somehow manifested in mylife, are good for me or that maybe situations could be worse.

So let the rational me spend time lying to myself about the choices I didn’t make and for the ones I have, I love a little irrationality, going crazy and sometimes something simple as consideration.

“whatever people need can be simply categorized into two broad things, one set of things are needed for your survival (clothes, bags, cars, money) and the others to keep you alive and living (consideration, love, empathy). The problem is we spend loads of time filling the first set when its really the second one we need”

I know better than to trust my instincts. It's something that I've picked up along the way -- mostly from smart people who give me sound advice, but sometimes I slip and it's beyond me why I insist on getting burnt multiple times. Another thing that bothers me is the obscene amount of self-absorbent people out there. When did the ship from Planet Selfish sail over to Earth to bring all these immigrants in? People who are true and sincere listeners are a rare commodity. People who actually take cues from your non verbal talk are almost extint. But when I seemingly find someone like that, I get scared... I get scared that they would think I'm self-absorbent. I don't like being the epitome of my own worst enemy.

Sadly, I think it's getting there. I'm becoming my own worst enemy. I need to listen to myself more.Learn form my mistakes.

II. Whats with the pay packages?

Its so sicking that in their twenties, people who are well off,have no one to support for, eat soo much in a day they could feed a refuge camp in sudan, line up for jobs based on pay packages.Now, I am not saying we don’t need money,I mean we all work and have worked at some point of time – for various reasons – some more profound than the other. And yes, most of us have worked for pay checks? Havent you? If not, congratulations on being nobel and passionate .. we need more people like you.. seriously!!

But what I am talking about is how material wealth and money have become the convoluted indicator of success in our times. This stems from the human mentality of wanting more than what we really need to survive. It is the desire and the yearning for more. We like having the capacity to earn more so that we may be able to own whatever we fancy -- regardless of whether or not we need it. It's not wrong to want pretty things, is it? And maybe for some, it isnt wrong to want more. But when materialism is grossly mistaken for ambition it becomes unhealthy.

Please, be more aware of what kind of “work” makes you happy which city you would like spending you weekends at?. Be ready to put in that extra effort but not just for that extra money which will only make you want more than what you really need.

III. Love

I have never been married and I have never been a mother. And I have never loved to the point of surrender and I have never come across anyone who has been able to describe to what if feels like to love.I have yet to understand and experience how it is to love… and more so unconditionally -- to love still yet be not loved in return.I do know enough though that unconditional love does exist as I have been a recipient of it. I never felt worthy of it though. It is a kind of love that is bigger than me and larger than life itself. Obstacles such as pride, ego and dignity often get in my way as I find that I have an overabundance of it.

To fathom this concept is nearly attaining nirvana as I can imagine, it ought to take a certain level of intellect and maturity to take it all in. Or perhaps, it's the complete opposite. Maybe love -- unconditional love -- is simpler than we all think it to be.

To give and not expect any exchange, and to smile in the midst of jabs directed straight at the heart. And to not let anything get in the way of feeling so strongly for someone even if one would have to sacrifice a lifetime. And to give up everything that one possesses without once thinking about it. Blind submission to the point of fatuity.

Simple yet magnanimous.

"The only love worthy of a name is unconditional" - John Powell