Somethings I learnt...

My recent encounter with a failed opportunity (once again) has left a bitter taste in my mouth. Usually with experience I know the routine, its gargle and spit! This time it doesn’t seem to work. My routine has failed me and I am stuck! Unable to reason and unable to move on. Making me feel like a fool to myself. I hear myself saying “stop it you loathing bitch! And move on its no biggee” yes I believe that but I still can’t move on.

That is because; this bitter taste is not of this opportunity but of many unanswered questions I have been asking myself over the last few months.

Almost a year back (is you scroll down you can read it yourself) I took a drastic decision to leave behind everything I worked hard to get and go do something I believed it. I remember reading books that said there is where I find true happiness. Yes I was happy. Yes I am happy. But now my happiness comes and goes. Its not constant. I find myself where I left off. Wondering , thinking… hoping yet again.

I have experienced a lot in the last year, things I cant express, happiness, joy, unbound. It was almost surreal. Till reality kicked in. The focus shifted to me again and I found myself staring in the mirror once again looking for answers.

I haven’t found any, I am not sure if I ever will. But I have learnt somethings and I wish to share …

1. No matter what decision you take. You have a price to pay and on some days you will regret it. That’s realization.

2. In every job you will have to suck up and play politics to get your way. You might as well do that doing something you love. That’s compromise.

3. You will meet friends, boyfriends, sex buddies, significant others. They will like you maybe even love you but they will find a way to hurt you. That’s human.

4. You will miss out on opportunities. You will want to turn back time. You will hate some guts but you will put up with it. That’s patience.

5. Some days you will cry all by yourself, some days you will laugh. In either ways you will be on your own. Every one your surrounded by are only names But you will find courage in yourself. That’s strength.

6. The only people you love to prove yourself too is your family. But when you fail to do that the only people you want to run to is your family. That’s love.

7. Regardless, of anything you feel today or tomorrow, if you find the will to get up and walk out of that door, your just fine. That’s life.

I am yet to put off my splattered thoughts together. I am yet to find a way to move on and reason. I will soon but I will take my time.

Till then…

An ode to a Warrior Princess

There was once a girl named S, of warrior blood, who lived in a little cocoon of her own. Her friends found it hard to read her, strangers, impossible to approach. Her piercing black eyes could leave you speechless, her rhetoric made you weak in the knees, her mood swings made you want to, at times, bang your head on the wall, and at other times, not let her out of your embrace.

Each moment you spent with her was an experience by itself and made you miss her the moment she left. Her smile could floor the grumpiest old man and the naughtiest little devil, the well bitten nails and the spelling mistakes were endearing, the nail polish, not so much, her kiss-take you the seven heavens and back and her anger- a sleeping beast. Her passion in what she believed in, made you feel inferior and inspired at the same time. Having several voices in her head, her conversations were brilliant, random, nonsensical, loving, naughty and sometimes, hypnotically fixating.


As she roamed the plains of the countryside, she left an impression on anything she touched. Gentlemen-singing her praises, ladies-their envy, children could not get enough of her. One day, she met a fairly handsome young chap-confused and a little low. Over the next six months, she connected with this young (??) man on levels which at times, surprised her. The fellow, on the other hand, was enchanted by her and wanted her by his side at all times.

All was well till one day, the chap, torn between his emotions and his past, went down the road well travelled by others and awoke the hidden beast.

The beautiful damsel, angry and bitter, wanted nothing to do with the young man again. Having realized his folly, the incorrigible brute tried his best to appease the beast. Now, a beast being a beast was at times quietened, but having to fight the ugly head of the ego for no fault of her own, the damsel was in a pickle. Every week, the beast would ask for his share and the young man felt helpless, almost beaten. But, resolute and convinced of his feelings for her, he used every weapon to silence the beast. In his quest to win the heart of the princess, the man came to a few decisions.

to be continued.....

I dont know what I should share

wheather I should tell you about the boy who cried in the class because he hadnt eaten in 2 days

wheather I should tell you about the 6 yr old girl who lost her mother

I dont know what I should tell you about

wheather about the boy who cringes everytime I give a high five because he thinks every hand lifted is to beat him up

should I tell you about the first aid kit in my class to nurse the bruise of little children who get beaten and batterd

should I tell you about how trivial our problems seem when I look into the moist eyes of a mother who is proud for her child finally spoke a few sentences in english

should I tell you about the boy who never wanted his "didi and bhaiyya"to leave the classroom and so he hugged them so tightly

should I tell you about the didi and bhaiyya who showed a brave face to the children but cried later for they experienced unconditional love for the first time

I dont know what I should tell you about

I dont know..

on HOLD

“Its better to have lived your own destiny imperfectly than to have lived a perfect imitation of someone elses life”
- Bhagvad Gita



A couple of months back I met with a professor of mine, a very dynamic and intelligent lady with whom I had a chance to interact for a few months and then we lost touch. I got in touch with her recently, and after a year, and I was very glad I did. (I think for the first time I put, linkedin/facebook to some productive use)

Anyways, when I met her she told me about a very interesting research she was stumbling upon, she is now using all these networking sites to get in touch with the people she knew when she was 25, when she is almost 40 now, and she is asking them only one question.

Tell me what you did, in all these years?

Unfortunately, not many, infact most of them could not match the enthusiasm with which she asked the question. Most had lived the normal life (and by normal I mean well paid jobs, marriage, kids, loans,friends,drinks and few vacations, the usual), and now when they were 40 and forced to look at how they were when they were 25, they admitted how burnt out they were.

“I feel there was so much energy and enthusiasm that just got lost somewhere in just talking about it and never living it”

Most of them burnt out by the time they reached their mid 30s, most of them never took out time for themselves, time it seems was running out and they were in this race which they wanted to win but had no clue why and what for.

The world/society makes us do funny things, makes us believe we want something we actually don’t, and makes us want to be like someone we think we do but we really don’t.

This information was shared to me by her, on the day I was contemplating the biggest change in my life. I decided to tread the unconventional path, I decided to never talk about salary packages and glance through the catalogues of Prada.

I decided to never look at how much loan would it take for a car, I decided never to think about what money could buy for me and instead think what I could do in my life and with experiences.

This decision was my buffer to that question at 40.
Tell me what did you in all these years.

If I ever woke up to realize I never did anything but live the way the world has made me believe I should, I know I would have regretted it. I would have hated myself.

So I decided, I decided to quit my job, put those papers in and go do what I really believe I want to.

And I did exactly that.

Don’t get me wrong though, we do need that car, and house, we all want kids and will take loans for a better life.

I will do that too. Just….. not now. Its not my time yet. I have something else I want to do. So I will put all these things on HOLD.

(For those who don’t know what I am doing visit : http://www.teachforindia.com/
For those who do : wish me luck!)

Dreams....

I haven’t been myself for the last couple of weeks, I have been waking up to feeling like another person, I drag through the day as another person and I lay awake the whole night as another person. Too many parts of me are awake at once and I am overwhelmed for each has a mind of its own.

There is a part that reads philosophy, debates politics and fights another day to make things better, there is part that talks endlessly to her friends on trivial issues that then seem like a matter of life and death, there is part that gets sloshed over not so cheap booze with great friends every other weekend, there is part that makes choices, there is a part that runs away, there is part that contemplates, a part that changes, a part that dreams, a part that loves, a part that cares and a part that doesn’t.

I don’t know what part feels like writing, but there are something’s that need to be said without actually saying them. This space is for me.

Its roughly 2 am, and I wondering about the decisions I am making in my life, standing even so on the crossroads of being undecided and unsure I still step a foot on the path that I have no clue to where it leads, a price you pay to go by just your instincts

My family always thought I was a dreamer and told me I needed to keep my feet on the ground. I never understood the harm in escaping into a dream world filled with possibilities, where you can neatly avoid ever being hurt, disappointed or have your spirit annihilated.

Maybe the danger is when you choose to come back to reality, you no longer have the invisible shield and you are only flesh and blood. Pain has the subtle of company of surprise it discovers you when you don’t expect it.

I am at crossroads and the path seems perfect, God’s special gift to his whiny daughter who has waited so long for her dream. So I will smile and spread my wings and I fill fly happy in that direction.

Fearful to the unknown, but hopeful always.

Dear God,

Please bring back my creativity; I want to be able to color again

I also want to appreciate life more that what I do right now

I want to be close nature

I want to fall in love again

I want to meet more people who are lost and dreamy

I want to be able to rhyme

I want to see with my eyes shut

I want to think of you when I am not in trouble

Which means I want to pray more often

Finally,

I want the pendant I lost 2 weeks back, it was my favorite!

S.A.T.C

3 girls, the city is Bombay, the location is a wine bistro, the topic MEN!!!

When your 25, single and fairly successful there is just the one thing that runs through your mind, this is my desi version of the SATC *
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Bombay is a city to fall in love, it’s the city to date, it’s the city to drink, it’s the city to make money, and it’s the city to spend in. There are women of all kinds here, single, miserable, successful, super successful. There are women of all styles here, the ones who know the labels the one who want the labels and the one who can’t care less.

It’s the city where women can stay out late in pubs, it’s the city where women can drink alone, it’s the city where pick up lines actually work, and it’s the city where you are bound to find someone in the strangest ways.

When your in Bombay you better be looking for something, because the chase… its fun!

But when your 25 and lived your whole life here, you have mastered the workings of the city, you know the places, you know your drinks, you know your style, but what you don’t know is why are you still single. Single in a city that has everything.

From all my fleet of girlfriends some have found the Mr. right , some are okai with Mr. right now, but some of us, my single girls, are wondering… do I want the Mr. right.. right now?

So we let the confusion prevail, (with our mother’s voice buried wayyy in the background who is constantly remind you ... of how the clock is ticking).

There are types - the ones who are head over heels with you, and if given a chance would marry you tomorrow!! - We don’t like such types, they seem desperate and looser-ly since they seem completely incapable of using their charm but most importantly they seem boring! Maybe its true, nice guys do finish last!

Then there are the overly charming, wayy out of your league ones – we probably would engage in mental intercourse with such men, but we don’t want them, not really, too good is too dangerous.

Then there are the ones who think they are too good, and that there is a something better out there. Well, its simple… they are just living their player boy fantasy and we are just not interested.


The ones we do go out with most of the times are the quintessential confused types – they are smart, they are intelligent they are right now and could be right forever, but since we are confused too it ends in more complication. End result is probably a few dates a little more and it’s all over... the fizz, it’s gone!


Breakups also have a pattern when your 25, the top lines still remain:

I think you deserve someone better
I don’t want to ruin our friendship and
I don’t think I am ready for it right now


But here’s some simple truth,

We too like our space, have our set of friends, we are not desperately looking out, we know bollywood films are fake and our fantasies are not based on that at all. We can discuss economy and stock markets. Shopping is not a waste of money it’s actually an investment.

But when your 25 it scares most men, they think you are in that age where you are looking for marriagle commitment.

Well let’s clear this right now, we are not interested in frivolous relationships, but marriage is equally scary for us as it is for you.
So credit us with some brains, we don’t make such decisions overnight. No cupid strikes us with an arrow, the dagger actually makes its way in slowly and its f-ing painful.

Having said that, we take pleasure in ambiguity..Its fun, we love our independence and live every moment of it to the fullest. We have our own dreams and they don’t revolve around men... so if you think your have a chance with us… make an appointment, for we are busy enjoying our life!!

*SATC: sex and the city