Another Life:

I am sitting alone, away, in my space, and what I desire from life, is piece of land I can call my own. I am sitting in a crowded place, because it’s only here I can find solitude, its only when your in a crowd you can be alone.

I squeezed some time out of my packed scheduled form this much awaited Sunday, pulled on my old rugged jeans and headed for the coffee shop. I did this when I was in college, and my favorite hang out was the open café at Leopolds.I always believe in taking time out for yourself, as should be the case with most of us, for some it’s the retail therapy, for some it’s a coffee shop. (Albeit I would prefer the retail therapy, but I think it’s a function of affordability)

And it’s only when I sit in solitude, force time out for myself, alone, I realize how far I am from where I want to be. I don’t know how many of us truly know, what we want. If you could, try asking yourself that? Can you find a definite answer?

Me, I have a list of things I want to do, none which are connected. But what I really want at this moment in time, is to travel, away, anywhere, with anyone. Now, this doesn’t mean I question my journey so far, I am here for a reason, to find out why is a quest.

But it’s really a comment from an old friend that compels me to further introspection. I have ambition-oodles of it! This should not be confused by drive. Each one of us desires to be on the top of a mountain, rise above what you desire; problem is we don’t know what that mountain is. You just walking a path, not carved by you, but paved by someone else.

Sometimes, I feel like I was shelled to smithereens and there are parts of me strewn all over. There’s a part that exults in a new pair of shoes and a good haircut. A part that wakes up after a late night; for 6:00 am swim, a part that prays every night, a part that dreams every day, a part the competes, a part that doesn’t f-ing care. So many parts, none which match, much like a bad jigsaw puzzle. A bit like Humpty Dumpty, except I don’t think I was ever a nice complete whole. Every time a new facet of my existence branched out, it just grew independent of the rest of me.

Therefore, I disagree with my old friend.
But self inflicted introspection is a bitch! It’s like a free of cost psychotherapy with a wannabe shrink who went to college on a marijuana scholarship!

The most galling thing about pain-my personal variety – is that it robs me of my expressions. I wanna crawl under my blanket stuff my head under the pillow, and never come out of there. But they say, ‘pain-you have to ride it off, live through it, hope is goes away, coz there are no solutions’

A thought occurs to me, perhaps the divine intervention is favorable to those who don’t try to tame the chaos, me, in all my ability to be carefree and careless, I try so hard to feel the winds of change. And I think that the winds of change don’t break those that swim in tandem to their erratic whims. Excuses don’t wash off the sorrow of having fallen down from my own estimation –again.

But hear me when I say, that perhaps floating, half sunken on your back with water blocking your hearing and your eyes squeezed against the sun is the only way to swim.