Here and now

I think I have redeemed myself – alteast a little bit. Though I am mortified at thinking I mite have given someone the right impression.

My friends say that it has to do with the way I am. It’s a lot easier for me being me. (as I believe should be the case with everyone, but if only being true , came without a price…and whole lot of other bullshit)

I almost always give the right impression, when I am conscious of it and I enjoy it too.

Today however I wish I wasn’t as transparent. I wish I never said things as much as I did.

I wish I never called…I wish I never expected… for it never comes about and …with no surprises ...it never did.

But my heart is not broken, and I can’t say that without the feeling of mortification color my neck. I believe I have outpaced these emotional troughs and peaks.

..but if I suffer a little at the end of my desire and a few hidden what ifs run through my head. I owe it all to the fact that I am a woman and I write it down to the inability of the female mind to give up on its favorite fantasy.

Somewhere, I read the theory of commitment and logic constituting what everyone wants to romanticize into love… and I remember dismissing the same logic as frigid .

But then I thought that in , how we all love, loose, move on, love again, marry make babies and dismiss some of our emotions as childish and fleeting lies the proof …of how wise is the concept of “detachment.”

But that silly little thing on which my life runs refuses to go by this logic. I write this now, but tomorrow much like a brain dead person… my heart will take control.

I will smile again, I will wish again…I will daydream, and wonder then if it it will ever come true…