An ode to a Warrior Princess

There was once a girl named S, of warrior blood, who lived in a little cocoon of her own. Her friends found it hard to read her, strangers, impossible to approach. Her piercing black eyes could leave you speechless, her rhetoric made you weak in the knees, her mood swings made you want to, at times, bang your head on the wall, and at other times, not let her out of your embrace.

Each moment you spent with her was an experience by itself and made you miss her the moment she left. Her smile could floor the grumpiest old man and the naughtiest little devil, the well bitten nails and the spelling mistakes were endearing, the nail polish, not so much, her kiss-take you the seven heavens and back and her anger- a sleeping beast. Her passion in what she believed in, made you feel inferior and inspired at the same time. Having several voices in her head, her conversations were brilliant, random, nonsensical, loving, naughty and sometimes, hypnotically fixating.


As she roamed the plains of the countryside, she left an impression on anything she touched. Gentlemen-singing her praises, ladies-their envy, children could not get enough of her. One day, she met a fairly handsome young chap-confused and a little low. Over the next six months, she connected with this young (??) man on levels which at times, surprised her. The fellow, on the other hand, was enchanted by her and wanted her by his side at all times.

All was well till one day, the chap, torn between his emotions and his past, went down the road well travelled by others and awoke the hidden beast.

The beautiful damsel, angry and bitter, wanted nothing to do with the young man again. Having realized his folly, the incorrigible brute tried his best to appease the beast. Now, a beast being a beast was at times quietened, but having to fight the ugly head of the ego for no fault of her own, the damsel was in a pickle. Every week, the beast would ask for his share and the young man felt helpless, almost beaten. But, resolute and convinced of his feelings for her, he used every weapon to silence the beast. In his quest to win the heart of the princess, the man came to a few decisions.

to be continued.....

I dont know what I should share

wheather I should tell you about the boy who cried in the class because he hadnt eaten in 2 days

wheather I should tell you about the 6 yr old girl who lost her mother

I dont know what I should tell you about

wheather about the boy who cringes everytime I give a high five because he thinks every hand lifted is to beat him up

should I tell you about the first aid kit in my class to nurse the bruise of little children who get beaten and batterd

should I tell you about how trivial our problems seem when I look into the moist eyes of a mother who is proud for her child finally spoke a few sentences in english

should I tell you about the boy who never wanted his "didi and bhaiyya"to leave the classroom and so he hugged them so tightly

should I tell you about the didi and bhaiyya who showed a brave face to the children but cried later for they experienced unconditional love for the first time

I dont know what I should tell you about

I dont know..

on HOLD

“Its better to have lived your own destiny imperfectly than to have lived a perfect imitation of someone elses life”
- Bhagvad Gita



A couple of months back I met with a professor of mine, a very dynamic and intelligent lady with whom I had a chance to interact for a few months and then we lost touch. I got in touch with her recently, and after a year, and I was very glad I did. (I think for the first time I put, linkedin/facebook to some productive use)

Anyways, when I met her she told me about a very interesting research she was stumbling upon, she is now using all these networking sites to get in touch with the people she knew when she was 25, when she is almost 40 now, and she is asking them only one question.

Tell me what you did, in all these years?

Unfortunately, not many, infact most of them could not match the enthusiasm with which she asked the question. Most had lived the normal life (and by normal I mean well paid jobs, marriage, kids, loans,friends,drinks and few vacations, the usual), and now when they were 40 and forced to look at how they were when they were 25, they admitted how burnt out they were.

“I feel there was so much energy and enthusiasm that just got lost somewhere in just talking about it and never living it”

Most of them burnt out by the time they reached their mid 30s, most of them never took out time for themselves, time it seems was running out and they were in this race which they wanted to win but had no clue why and what for.

The world/society makes us do funny things, makes us believe we want something we actually don’t, and makes us want to be like someone we think we do but we really don’t.

This information was shared to me by her, on the day I was contemplating the biggest change in my life. I decided to tread the unconventional path, I decided to never talk about salary packages and glance through the catalogues of Prada.

I decided to never look at how much loan would it take for a car, I decided never to think about what money could buy for me and instead think what I could do in my life and with experiences.

This decision was my buffer to that question at 40.
Tell me what did you in all these years.

If I ever woke up to realize I never did anything but live the way the world has made me believe I should, I know I would have regretted it. I would have hated myself.

So I decided, I decided to quit my job, put those papers in and go do what I really believe I want to.

And I did exactly that.

Don’t get me wrong though, we do need that car, and house, we all want kids and will take loans for a better life.

I will do that too. Just….. not now. Its not my time yet. I have something else I want to do. So I will put all these things on HOLD.

(For those who don’t know what I am doing visit : http://www.teachforindia.com/
For those who do : wish me luck!)

Dreams....

I haven’t been myself for the last couple of weeks, I have been waking up to feeling like another person, I drag through the day as another person and I lay awake the whole night as another person. Too many parts of me are awake at once and I am overwhelmed for each has a mind of its own.

There is a part that reads philosophy, debates politics and fights another day to make things better, there is part that talks endlessly to her friends on trivial issues that then seem like a matter of life and death, there is part that gets sloshed over not so cheap booze with great friends every other weekend, there is part that makes choices, there is a part that runs away, there is part that contemplates, a part that changes, a part that dreams, a part that loves, a part that cares and a part that doesn’t.

I don’t know what part feels like writing, but there are something’s that need to be said without actually saying them. This space is for me.

Its roughly 2 am, and I wondering about the decisions I am making in my life, standing even so on the crossroads of being undecided and unsure I still step a foot on the path that I have no clue to where it leads, a price you pay to go by just your instincts

My family always thought I was a dreamer and told me I needed to keep my feet on the ground. I never understood the harm in escaping into a dream world filled with possibilities, where you can neatly avoid ever being hurt, disappointed or have your spirit annihilated.

Maybe the danger is when you choose to come back to reality, you no longer have the invisible shield and you are only flesh and blood. Pain has the subtle of company of surprise it discovers you when you don’t expect it.

I am at crossroads and the path seems perfect, God’s special gift to his whiny daughter who has waited so long for her dream. So I will smile and spread my wings and I fill fly happy in that direction.

Fearful to the unknown, but hopeful always.

Dear God,

Please bring back my creativity; I want to be able to color again

I also want to appreciate life more that what I do right now

I want to be close nature

I want to fall in love again

I want to meet more people who are lost and dreamy

I want to be able to rhyme

I want to see with my eyes shut

I want to think of you when I am not in trouble

Which means I want to pray more often

Finally,

I want the pendant I lost 2 weeks back, it was my favorite!

S.A.T.C

3 girls, the city is Bombay, the location is a wine bistro, the topic MEN!!!

When your 25, single and fairly successful there is just the one thing that runs through your mind, this is my desi version of the SATC *
----------

Bombay is a city to fall in love, it’s the city to date, it’s the city to drink, it’s the city to make money, and it’s the city to spend in. There are women of all kinds here, single, miserable, successful, super successful. There are women of all styles here, the ones who know the labels the one who want the labels and the one who can’t care less.

It’s the city where women can stay out late in pubs, it’s the city where women can drink alone, it’s the city where pick up lines actually work, and it’s the city where you are bound to find someone in the strangest ways.

When your in Bombay you better be looking for something, because the chase… its fun!

But when your 25 and lived your whole life here, you have mastered the workings of the city, you know the places, you know your drinks, you know your style, but what you don’t know is why are you still single. Single in a city that has everything.

From all my fleet of girlfriends some have found the Mr. right , some are okai with Mr. right now, but some of us, my single girls, are wondering… do I want the Mr. right.. right now?

So we let the confusion prevail, (with our mother’s voice buried wayyy in the background who is constantly remind you ... of how the clock is ticking).

There are types - the ones who are head over heels with you, and if given a chance would marry you tomorrow!! - We don’t like such types, they seem desperate and looser-ly since they seem completely incapable of using their charm but most importantly they seem boring! Maybe its true, nice guys do finish last!

Then there are the overly charming, wayy out of your league ones – we probably would engage in mental intercourse with such men, but we don’t want them, not really, too good is too dangerous.

Then there are the ones who think they are too good, and that there is a something better out there. Well, its simple… they are just living their player boy fantasy and we are just not interested.


The ones we do go out with most of the times are the quintessential confused types – they are smart, they are intelligent they are right now and could be right forever, but since we are confused too it ends in more complication. End result is probably a few dates a little more and it’s all over... the fizz, it’s gone!


Breakups also have a pattern when your 25, the top lines still remain:

I think you deserve someone better
I don’t want to ruin our friendship and
I don’t think I am ready for it right now


But here’s some simple truth,

We too like our space, have our set of friends, we are not desperately looking out, we know bollywood films are fake and our fantasies are not based on that at all. We can discuss economy and stock markets. Shopping is not a waste of money it’s actually an investment.

But when your 25 it scares most men, they think you are in that age where you are looking for marriagle commitment.

Well let’s clear this right now, we are not interested in frivolous relationships, but marriage is equally scary for us as it is for you.
So credit us with some brains, we don’t make such decisions overnight. No cupid strikes us with an arrow, the dagger actually makes its way in slowly and its f-ing painful.

Having said that, we take pleasure in ambiguity..Its fun, we love our independence and live every moment of it to the fullest. We have our own dreams and they don’t revolve around men... so if you think your have a chance with us… make an appointment, for we are busy enjoying our life!!

*SATC: sex and the city

Stuff of dreams...

I remember all the stories, the shoe fit the Cinderella, the frog was turned into a prince, sleeping beauty was awakened with a kiss, Once upon a time they lived happily ever after.Fair tales, the stuff of dreams! I remember it al all, I am sure we all do. They told us these stores, even if not too many times, they were stuck in our minds.

The problem is when they told us the stories, they distorted reality, they made us believe in the extraordinary, in miracles… they made us want to dream and believe they come true. But, fairytales don’t come true. Reality is not extraordinary and when I grew up to realize that it was already too late, I had my characters in place, I knew how the story would go, once upon a time…..

But now I know the problem is not the fairytale, the problem is this need to be extraordinary, unusual; something that only would be made in dreams. And in trying to achieve that we miss the beauty of mediocrity.

We are not sure what this extraordinary is, we’re not sure how this fairytale ends, but we still run after in, every part of my waking life, is spent in getting closer to something I am not even sure it exists.

So I wonder then , when did life get so predictable, when did I get into a game of hurdle, where I am running on the same track, in the same direction, very predictably waiting for that hurdle that I will jump over and complete another milestone in this run I never even knew I was running.

But, the real question is, what do I do when I know of this, where do I jump the tracks, where do I slow down; when do the hurdles stop, or when do I reach a point when it doesn’t matter.

I still believe in my fairytales and I still believe in extraordinary, I think the real point is there is little bit extraordinary in all of us, the stuff that dreams are made of …everyone has them.

And I say this because, I see people around me, the mediocre people, the ordinary people, they are living my fairytale … they have what I dream of, but for me it’s still elusive.

Wishlist..

I wish sometimes I could leave the room and be in it at the same time

I wish sometimes I could say things to people just to know how they would feel and then turn back time

I wish advice could be applied as easily as it is given

I wish I knew more often that life is not about people who arent in it, but about thoes who are

I wish I realized sooner that family is not a burden, but a responsibility

I wish sometimes I could die, just so I know how much I would miss the life I now take for granted.

I wish apologies would come easily

I wish love would come even more easily

I wish truth was never so elusive
then again sometimes I wish it is.

I wish I could truly learn from my mistakes

I wish I had no inhibitions

I wish....

Done!

There comes a point of time in your life, when you look at all the choices you made, and it’s not the good ones, it’s always the bad ones you will think about. Because it’s the bad ones that change you and make you realize that there is something wrong, something wrong with those choices.

It takes one friend, 1 bottle of wine, and 1 long night…

This is a confession, and hence I dare but I will say it anyways for I have nothing to loose, I am done!

So when I look at the pattern of the bad choices, I see now I attract the opposite, I see my need for the confused and the immature, the ones who stare at the blank and except it to give you answers, not realizing the answers lie within.

And it all makes sense now, when I have it all figured out in my head, I enjoy the ambiguity the uncertainty that my choices bring. I feel I could do with a bit of irrationality and immaturity. But this approach ends in a sort of pain which is so deep I can’t sense it. I am in denial.

But not anymore…

I am done brooding over my choices, I am done hoping for them, I am done enjoying the ambiguity and I am done with the uncertainty. Anticipation is no fun.

I just need something to happen, I need a sign that things are going to change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope! And in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed a feel like I'm going to die today.

Pray

Every Sunday our group meets with a couple of kids to help enlighten them about general knowledge current affairs etc. Lately, every few Sundays later the only topic that has been in discussion is the blasts, Bangalore, Jaipur, Ahemdabad and now Delhi.

It’s disturbing to even have such a topic in our everyday conversation, its disturbing that most of us talk about it so matter of factly. It’s disturbing that amidst all this blame game and an attempt to “fight against terrorism”, we all know somewhere that there is no real solution to it. Every day and every hour, we are living in growing fear. A fear which is a latent result of what we can’t ignore and stares us in the face.

I am completely against, the way the media deals with such sensitive situations, constant bombardment of photographs, videos, pictures and comments from victims of blasts is no way to help the nations people deal with grievance. A friend comments on this opinion, he says “I don’t think any one is mournful, the world is way past such feelings – if you amass them that is, what they do anguish is that someday and sooner than they think, their sons., daughters, parents and grandparents will find themselves to be victims of such a situation, and there is no f-ing way to counter that, that is disturbing!”

Maybe he is right, but I still believe, people grieve for more than just their own. I have found myself caught amidst the chaos of two blasts, one in 2003 and another in 2006. Both the times, I had to walk a considerable distance with random people, because the transport system was shut down, and all anyone of us really wanted was to get home and fast. During that walk nothing crossed my mind, it was probably blank, there was nothing anyone could do. Its only after I reached home I realized the magnanimity of the chaos I was caught in and I remember now the chill that ran down my spine.

But, what really bothers me is the powerlessness; if it is me who is the victim of such a misery should I have the ability and intention to do something about it. While everyone agrees to this, they are laughing, because they know there is nothing one could do. (and i beg to differ)

But I pray, I pray for the ones who lost their lives for they may all be blessed to heaven, I pray for their friends and relatives for they may all be blessed with courage and then I pray for I hope this world be a better place.

"know when to walk..know when to walk..know when to walk..away"

havent blogged in ages, been super busy at work (okai, no i am lying) but i have been super busy ruminating over work, life, politics, etc.

Working is just too hard, and the more I think about it, the more I feel I should be a travel writer or join some social service, or just study further.

Come to think of it , i dont think you can really truly madly deeply love work. Can you? C'mon stop and think, are you enjoying your work? Now now, dont give your self all that bull crap about its a learning experience, it'll add value in the future. Admit it, you just work for pay cheques . You and i we both do.

and on all days, when you get up and go to work and leave work with a smile, your just rationalizing, .. your rationalizing that effort you just put in.. when the truth is when you do what you really like, there is no effort, there is no need to rationalize.

Don’t get me wrong though, I am not lazy, and I have ambition... oodles of it! There is just no drive, which in my opinion is different from ambition.

So how do we know when we like our work? You dont, you just figure it out. In my opinion, you never get there; you just jump from one job to another (let compensation justify most of your descions). Its kind of like relationships, when your in one, you always feel there is something better out there.

But, the silver lining here is uncertainty and restlessness that comes with this, which allows you to make sudden decisions which will impact you lives and makes you a better person.

Problem is ..., how do you know when you are making the right decision??

Is it just the natural human predeliction for greener grass on the other side that sends my thoughts careening through paths that I feel my life will now never be able to take? Or have my eyes opened to the fact that what I have fought for and now slyly acheived is far less than my fertile imagination had promised it would be?

Perhaps this is fitting retribution for the selfish lies I have said to feed that fantasy. With my hands wrapped around a dream, I floated too far away from the familiar, the safe and the accepted to ever come back. And yet as that dream slowly crystalized into reality, I realized that I was falling at a fast clip towards a lifetime dedicated to disappointment and self-recrimination. I am heading there now - the hard truth of my choices rushing up to meet me with deadly force. And rather than face that spectre, I want to anchor myself to another dream - this time even more prepostrous - of filled with cynicism.

I struggle to remind myself why I had scorned that in the first place, but all my stubborn mind wants to bring up is the satisfied smile on faces dearly beloved, the warmth of a choice well received, the slumber of one not riddled with myriad guilty secrets.

There is a part of me that screams in warning - telling me to not dare forget the hollow emptiness of dreams discarded, the climbing frustration of sacrifices made at enormous prices taken for granted - almost demanded, of the possibility of a far from story book ending of which I have already had a poisonous taste. The venom of that experience must be fading from my blood, for I no longer can use my righteous outrage and sorrow as a sheild against the entreaties of those whom I have never denied before.

And yet - when I followed my foolish dream to escape the system, I unwittingly made commitments to a life I now find myself afraid to lead. While I no longer beleive there is much pain to be suffered by another - for a lot of the emotion had been as much a figment of my imagination as my "happily ever after" - I still quail at the thought of looking my mistake in the eye. And once turned back, what if my stupid mind trows up roadblocks and regrets again? Perhaps I am fated to forever stand at the mouth of the crossroads alone - undecided and fearful of each, yet coveting both destinations.

Whats your question..

Today was my first day, and we played a little game, each of the little ones were asked to ask a question to which they have been dying to know an answer to. And us, the so called more educated and more mature ones would attempt to answer them.

After a silence of about 30 seconds, the questions started pouring in. Why is there this difference between women and men? Why do only women pay dowry? Why was Gandhi a Mahatma. We answered all of them. We, all educated smart, well do to individuals. Independent. Intelligent. I am sure we all did a good job.

Then there was someone who didnt ask any question. We wanted to give everyone a chance so we asked her to think hard there defintely was something to which she wanted an answer.

Her question was simple.

Why dont I get what I always want?

We looked at each other. It was a simple question. A question which crossed all our minds at some point, and yet somehow we never thought of it.I dont think we had the right answer to it either. We turned it back to another question. But still I dont think we answered it at all. Why dont we get what we always want? Why do things slip away so fast? Why does the possible seem so difficult?

I told her, I would answer her question next time as I needed some time to think. I am thinking now but I dont think i have an answer yet.

DO you?

I want so badly to hate you
Yet I don't

I want so badly to put my hands around your throat and choke you.
But I won't.

I hope that this time you are taking is worth every second
Every minute
Every hour
Every day
E-ver-y week

I hope this time prunes you to become the mature.God fearing man you were meant to be

I hope it gives you the confidence and faith to go after what you want no matter how many times that you hear the word no.
Cause coming back around this time won't be easy.

Be sure to come with a steady foundation and strong locked backbone. For I might not be around to see it.

I hope this time brings you some courage. Makes you stronger to face your own fears.

Beacuse this world has no place for timid and self conscious fools..

Silent Boycott..

There are pesticides in coke, and now a study by Greenpeace has identified, genetically modifying ingredients in PepsiCo’s brand of chips.

Yesterday, the results of their survey confirmed that there are ingredients such has Mon 863 and NK 603 present in these chips which have some serious health impacts like weight gain, variations in growth etc. A little research shows that these items are actually used as pesticides to help control the growth of worms.

What is disturbing, is that India has recently become a dumping ground for such hazardous chemicals present in almost every food items promoted by the MNCs. And yes, at one end there is the regulatory system to blame, which in india is not as upto the mark. In Europe the discovery of such, items has led to instant ban of such products, but here we continue to have them on our shelves and continue to feed them to our childeren.

Ever thought why you feel like consuming the whole packet of pringles? Or the waffers? Its not because they are tasty, its because they contain the chemical salt Monosodium glutamate more popularly known as Aginomoto. This salt kind of sticks to you tounge and makes you want more of that same taste and hence sending your brain the singles to keep consuming more.

But here is the real story, research has proven that consumtion of MSG leads to headaches, stomach cramps,anxiety, shortness of breath, chest pain etc among other things. And to know that we consume these items on a daily basis and even get children, whose bodies have yet not fully been developed, addicted to them is a shocker.

So instead, of taking the easier route and blaming the authorites, I would request and recommend each one to boycott these products, do not entertain such dumping by buying these items and consuming them.

A few more reasons to boycott coke/pepsi :

Hazard to environment and health: In India Coca Cola was found to have 30 times more pesticides than the European Union standard. A Indian High Court ruling requires it to mention pesticide levels on bottles. Farmers find it a cheaper alternative for other pesticides in the market. The sludge coming out of a Coca Cola plant destroys fields and crops in the vicinity. When BBC tested this sludge in UK it was found to have Cadmium and Lead.

Damage to environment and communities: Coca Cola is a major threat to precious ground water resources which common people use for drinking and irrigation purposes. In Plachimada, Kerala, India, water has dried up in a radius of 3 km from the plant site. This situation threatens to displace 20,000 local habitants, while at the same time the bottling plant only gives employment to 50 local people.The Supreme Court of India found the Company guilty of painting the Himalaya rocks with huge publicity announcements/panels.

Threat to peace : Coca Cola was the fifth largest donor to George Bush in the war at Iraq,Pepsico was fourth

Coke and Pepsi threaten WHO over health report on sugar intake

A friend pointed out that I am regressing back to the Gandhian approach of a silent boycott, while I am not a big fan of the Satyagraha (but thats for another post and another day) I do believe that the only way to fight these corporate giants is by exercising our right as the public.

So go on, join the boycott!

Princess Banter

Some days I just feel like being random and speak in tidbits instead of coherent sentences. Today is one of thoes days
So here goes

I. Keep Moving

Everyone has bad days right? And every once in a while we get slammed.Right?Today was a pothole down my road... more like a giant manhole infested with maggots the size of big macs. I don't know why I constantly let trivial things get to me like the pettiness of people, for instance. I know I am above it, I know I cam be more rational and act a lilttle bit mature.. but hell no!

If anything, I try to live my life so rationally and apply so much logic and understanding to prove to myself that the choices that I didn’t make but have somehow manifested in mylife, are good for me or that maybe situations could be worse.

So let the rational me spend time lying to myself about the choices I didn’t make and for the ones I have, I love a little irrationality, going crazy and sometimes something simple as consideration.

“whatever people need can be simply categorized into two broad things, one set of things are needed for your survival (clothes, bags, cars, money) and the others to keep you alive and living (consideration, love, empathy). The problem is we spend loads of time filling the first set when its really the second one we need”

I know better than to trust my instincts. It's something that I've picked up along the way -- mostly from smart people who give me sound advice, but sometimes I slip and it's beyond me why I insist on getting burnt multiple times. Another thing that bothers me is the obscene amount of self-absorbent people out there. When did the ship from Planet Selfish sail over to Earth to bring all these immigrants in? People who are true and sincere listeners are a rare commodity. People who actually take cues from your non verbal talk are almost extint. But when I seemingly find someone like that, I get scared... I get scared that they would think I'm self-absorbent. I don't like being the epitome of my own worst enemy.

Sadly, I think it's getting there. I'm becoming my own worst enemy. I need to listen to myself more.Learn form my mistakes.

II. Whats with the pay packages?

Its so sicking that in their twenties, people who are well off,have no one to support for, eat soo much in a day they could feed a refuge camp in sudan, line up for jobs based on pay packages.Now, I am not saying we don’t need money,I mean we all work and have worked at some point of time – for various reasons – some more profound than the other. And yes, most of us have worked for pay checks? Havent you? If not, congratulations on being nobel and passionate .. we need more people like you.. seriously!!

But what I am talking about is how material wealth and money have become the convoluted indicator of success in our times. This stems from the human mentality of wanting more than what we really need to survive. It is the desire and the yearning for more. We like having the capacity to earn more so that we may be able to own whatever we fancy -- regardless of whether or not we need it. It's not wrong to want pretty things, is it? And maybe for some, it isnt wrong to want more. But when materialism is grossly mistaken for ambition it becomes unhealthy.

Please, be more aware of what kind of “work” makes you happy which city you would like spending you weekends at?. Be ready to put in that extra effort but not just for that extra money which will only make you want more than what you really need.

III. Love

I have never been married and I have never been a mother. And I have never loved to the point of surrender and I have never come across anyone who has been able to describe to what if feels like to love.I have yet to understand and experience how it is to love… and more so unconditionally -- to love still yet be not loved in return.I do know enough though that unconditional love does exist as I have been a recipient of it. I never felt worthy of it though. It is a kind of love that is bigger than me and larger than life itself. Obstacles such as pride, ego and dignity often get in my way as I find that I have an overabundance of it.

To fathom this concept is nearly attaining nirvana as I can imagine, it ought to take a certain level of intellect and maturity to take it all in. Or perhaps, it's the complete opposite. Maybe love -- unconditional love -- is simpler than we all think it to be.

To give and not expect any exchange, and to smile in the midst of jabs directed straight at the heart. And to not let anything get in the way of feeling so strongly for someone even if one would have to sacrifice a lifetime. And to give up everything that one possesses without once thinking about it. Blind submission to the point of fatuity.

Simple yet magnanimous.

"The only love worthy of a name is unconditional" - John Powell

Just a thought

I think the more I read about the Darfur conflict , the more convinced I am that if there is anything called heaven or hell its right here, on earth. If you had to suffer for the crimes you committed you might as well be left on a peice of land where people never see an end to their suffering.

Rape , murder, child abuse, hunger, poverty - I dont think it could get any worse and I also dont think anyone deserves it no matter how cruel one has been. God is merciful he isnt spiteful. It is us.


Just a thought...


Things that should matter to us but they don't :

Corruption
Pollution
Environment
Poverty
Child Labor
Child Abuse
Racism/Discrimination
Domestic Violence

Things that matter to us but they Shouldn't :

Caste
Morality
Religion
Censorships
Greed
Profit
Corporate Ladder
Next New Car

World is the only thing we would leave for our children, Are these the values we want them to have?

It's a good thing

I learnt a lesson and I learnt it the hard way. I can wave and rant and go on but I choose to write down the good part about it so here goes …

Its a good thing

To be hurt at times: You remember the feeling for a long time to come

To be positive: As at a cross road you meet someone who warms up at your smile

To be strong: Because you need it to carry things that other people trust you with

To be grounded: Because you may win this time, you may want to next time but you possibly may not win each time

To play with kids: Soon you realize you have a lot more in common with them.

To be understanding: The sooner you realize there was a reason the faster you know the control was not in your hands

To be supportive: As sometimes your mere presence can work wonders for their self confidence

To be flexible: For everyone will at some point of time demand your time

To look into their eyes: Then those myriad pools can no longer hold on to their murky colors.

Finally,

It’s good to lend a hand: because that’s the power of human touch. Everyone needs it at some point of time….

Discontent...

There is a despair in me that I cannot explain away with all my inventive genius. I can't put my finger on whether it is guilt at the consequences I have now chosen to add to my life and that of others or just my selfish needs or if its pure wishful thinking for utopian win-wins. Maybe its a sorry mix of both - yes that's most likely it. What I want, what I seek is soo much different than what life is throwing at me right now – and I have to face it. Avoidence wont solve anything, at best and at worse it will ruin all.

But, I can't make excuses without tripling my self-disgust, and all these dreams make it so difficult to turn away the little bits and peices that seem to be manifesting themselves in my day to day. It is these little bits and pieces of my dreams that keep my faith alive. I keep hoping the day will get better and all my fears will be proven wrong. But,maybe having so much beliefe in something isnt such a good thing afterall, and that’s why it’s the cynics who will always remain happy. I see now that the parts in isolation of each other don't add up to the whole. Hence the emptiness, the bitter silence of my inner judge - condemning my stupidity, my greed, my pitifulness. I cannot survive more introspection – for I don’t see it manifest into something constructive for me to deal with this pain.

I understand now the bigger picture, for the approach had been all or nothing. Funny thing is, I had just been getting used to the nothing too and actually figuring out how to enjoy the anticipation. But now the anticipation is over and , I find myself praying silenty for a some for some strength, for some wisdom and for some miracles.

I know I sound like complete pessimist who refuses to see the glass as half full, but I think with this there is a floating line , a barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual. And depends on what's being poured.

I see now, that when I am supposed to be happy, I still find a reason to be discontent. Maybe I am happy being discontent, because if you get everything you ever wanted …then what’s next?

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

Faith...

One of the things I have often wondered about is - faith . Whether it is really a strength or is it a weakness, whether believing in a higher power who guides you through life is a matter of low self-esteem or there really is something to back it up...

I wonder about this because I believe I have real faith... I'm not fatalistic, but I have faith in the saying that whatever happens…happens for the good..,

I have faith in my God...and no, he's not performed 'miracles' like making things appear from thin air or making things disappear in one touch.. but I have faith, and tremendous amount of it,... and I have faith that whatever is happening in my life, I can't see the broader picture, but there is someone up there (or anywhere for that matter) who can.. he sees the bigger picture... and so the things that you can't explain, the things that you can't control, you just leave it up to faith.. You do what you have to do, and leave the rest upto your faith and believe that things will get better...

I have faith to believe that the choices that I make at every step of my life have a reason behind it…even though I won’t ever be able to tell.

I have faith, in the people I trust … and I have faith in the relationships I make.

I have nothing to prove that faith, except that I believe in it.. and have believed in it for so long that I can't remember life without it…

So then I ponder, is it my weakness that I want to double-check my life constantly with some 'higher power', or is it that such a higher power really exists.. I'm not advocating that someone on earth is God, I'm not propounding that one should blindly believe in what is not apparent... but then when one is educated, has a fairly reasonable 'thinking mind' and then one believes in concepts such as faith, God, guidance - then it can't just be lack of faith in oneself... afterall, 'God' isn't a person who you can talk to, God is an experience.. you experience the presence of a higher power through your life all the time… if only, you watch close enough... everything we do, every choice we make ,forms a pattern…

I'm wondering about all this because there are times in my life when I sit back and wonder about why certain things happened, why my life has been so tough and yet there has always been a silver-lining with every problem that came up. why something that seemed a distant dream, then became a reality.. and my faith is reinforced yet again....


But, I still have nothing to prove it.. .