‘The soul is easier to know, than the body” said Descartes; facts of thoughts for him are different than that of our superficial existence. To me, this world, which by him is non existence, is the one that defines who I am and what I become.
And the key to survival in this world is denial, you deny you’re scared,you deny that you have given up, you deny that you want to fight, you deny you can do better, you deny you deserve better or you deny you got what you deserved, you deny you make mistakes, you deny your in love, and most importantly you deny that you are in denial!! We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works!!.. all the firgging time.
We lie to ourselves, about what we like, what we do, what we want to do, coz you never really know it yourself, infact we lie to so much that the lies starts to seem like the truth, we deny so much that we can’t recognize the truth right in front of our faces.
But it isn’t our fault, as humans we are designed this way. We love to secure ourselves, because we are well aware of the intruders, and as humans, we are always on the look out for intruders. We are always trying to prevent those on the outside from getting in.
But there will always be those who force their way into our lives, just as there will be those we choose to invite in , but the most troubling of them all are the one’s who stand on the outside looking in. The one’s we never truly get to know and yet every part of you wants to know why.
And at the end, I am left with a choice, either let the curiosity throw me back in the behavior that will get me into trouble (or teach me how to live – who knows) , or learn from your pain and do your best to move on.
But the thing with self inflicted pain is, you know the source, love it too much to do anything about it and then feel guilty as a sin for putting yourself through it.
And I know nothing would be worth the pain, but that’s the beauty of denial. I am not in pain and I don’t think I ever will be.
To change, I need motivation and that’s when I am like I don’t f-ing care. And I can grovel , I can sweeten, I can rant, I can come clean – and just say it out there out loud. – but then the cloud will melt only when it wants to.
Oh, how I hate powerlessness, the weak helpless feeling?. Especially when the cloud settles so deep around my eyes that it distorts my vision, flights of imagination. But I shall smile and even worse, smirk
Because at the end of the day, there is faith - it will turn up when you least expect it. It’s like one day I realize that my fairy tale is a lot different then I imagined. And I think that is okai, because, this world I live in is a world of denial. I never know what is really true, and I shall take solace in my imagination and my dreams.
Though I think my time has come, my ship is setting sail, Premature- tiny bit overeager and willfully blinded to consequences. I shall deny that I know they are inevitable.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Still Life
A common thread runs among all the places I like to hang out at, they are the ones that let you be, they have no dress code, no unsaid rules on your shoes or your clothes such places let you breath,they let you do what you are there for. Unfortunately work places aren’t of those kinds, but you wish they would be, since you spend most of your waking hours there. Ironically, the freedom of being liberated by education gets limited by our desire to become a professional.
‘m referring to an article I read in Times recently, about growing discrimination at workplaces, and it wasn’t clichéd gender/sex/race, discrimination, it was the superficial kinds, the kinds that make you wish you had washboard abs, slimmer legs, or worse, it was the kinds, that makes you hate who you are, than what you have become.
Instantly I felt myself filling up with hot rage, drowning in so much anger and outrage, not because I thought that article was directed to me, but I know it spoke to some, who probably missed a meal that day or went half hour extra to the gym.
Now there is a lot about this productivity bull crap that I don’t buy, for example, one article said that, the weight of an employee is inversely proportional to their career and remuneration growth. (Bull shit!!).That’s like justifying that women should be paid less because they shall avail of maternity leave at some point of time in their life.
I don’t believe that productivity benefits based on employees potential health condition has anything to do with employers. However I do believe ones appearance has a lot to do with opinions made on the so called professional workplace or even in their daily lives
This is prejudice- it is never reasonable and therefore cannot be reasoned by logic. But before you are quick to label me as a hypocrite (especially when I posses the irrational ability to spend a handful of mere boots) Let me clarify, that I aint against being concerned about your outer self, but I am at people judging you on the basis of that.
I am not polishing my halo, but you see- I haven’t tasted perfection, so I don’t know how that feels, I never let it settle in my marrow before I began to look for flaws. And I believe that, perfection is what we all seek – for respect. Respect that makes up for the lack of, many things!.
But the truth is respect is a cold bedfellow. It is just pride- the kind of pride that wrinkles its nose disgustedly at you when you know you are being undervalued, when ‘almost’ just doesn’t become ‘enough’ anymore, for any of us.
But somewhere I hope we are willing to take that in the lieu of abject self respect (or in my case sheer boredom)-that pulls you up short of a folly, or perhaps from the truth-who knows. Even when I could do better-I’d chosen not to.. for various better reasons.
(Too late! Too late!)
Perfection- even its fickle beauty so tainted, by my own knowing hands, does not wash clean-all my Lady Macbethian efforts wasted. And knowing that, accepting my incompleteness, resigning myself to this shallow world, my ego will never knucle, kneel or break down in supplication.
A friend shares a thought with me, What it boils down to,she says,is on all the planes you exist in this superficial world- among friends, with a lover, in a boardroom - nothing can make up for an impefect body,beauty or lack thereof!
But, some part of me - and I dont know what she likes to wear, I dont know if she wears a saree or if she smokes - rejoices in imperfection still!!
‘m referring to an article I read in Times recently, about growing discrimination at workplaces, and it wasn’t clichéd gender/sex/race, discrimination, it was the superficial kinds, the kinds that make you wish you had washboard abs, slimmer legs, or worse, it was the kinds, that makes you hate who you are, than what you have become.
Instantly I felt myself filling up with hot rage, drowning in so much anger and outrage, not because I thought that article was directed to me, but I know it spoke to some, who probably missed a meal that day or went half hour extra to the gym.
Now there is a lot about this productivity bull crap that I don’t buy, for example, one article said that, the weight of an employee is inversely proportional to their career and remuneration growth. (Bull shit!!).That’s like justifying that women should be paid less because they shall avail of maternity leave at some point of time in their life.
I don’t believe that productivity benefits based on employees potential health condition has anything to do with employers. However I do believe ones appearance has a lot to do with opinions made on the so called professional workplace or even in their daily lives
This is prejudice- it is never reasonable and therefore cannot be reasoned by logic. But before you are quick to label me as a hypocrite (especially when I posses the irrational ability to spend a handful of mere boots) Let me clarify, that I aint against being concerned about your outer self, but I am at people judging you on the basis of that.
I am not polishing my halo, but you see- I haven’t tasted perfection, so I don’t know how that feels, I never let it settle in my marrow before I began to look for flaws. And I believe that, perfection is what we all seek – for respect. Respect that makes up for the lack of, many things!.
But the truth is respect is a cold bedfellow. It is just pride- the kind of pride that wrinkles its nose disgustedly at you when you know you are being undervalued, when ‘almost’ just doesn’t become ‘enough’ anymore, for any of us.
But somewhere I hope we are willing to take that in the lieu of abject self respect (or in my case sheer boredom)-that pulls you up short of a folly, or perhaps from the truth-who knows. Even when I could do better-I’d chosen not to.. for various better reasons.
(Too late! Too late!)
Perfection- even its fickle beauty so tainted, by my own knowing hands, does not wash clean-all my Lady Macbethian efforts wasted. And knowing that, accepting my incompleteness, resigning myself to this shallow world, my ego will never knucle, kneel or break down in supplication.
A friend shares a thought with me, What it boils down to,she says,is on all the planes you exist in this superficial world- among friends, with a lover, in a boardroom - nothing can make up for an impefect body,beauty or lack thereof!
But, some part of me - and I dont know what she likes to wear, I dont know if she wears a saree or if she smokes - rejoices in imperfection still!!
Monday, April 30, 2007
Looking Back:
At any given time, they say, the brain has about 14 billion neurons firing at the speed of 450 miles per hour. We don’t have any control over most of them. This is when we get a chill, when we get goose bumps, when we get excited; the body naturally follows its impulses, which I think is part of what makes it so hard for us to control ours
Of course, we do many things out of impulse, which we later wish we didn't and there are many impulses we control, which we later wish we hadn’t.
But we cant change what we do or dont, time waits for no man, listnes to no prayers,time heals all wounds, and all anyone of us can want is more time. Time to stand up, time to speak out, time to grow up, time to let go. And it was time, for me to let down my hair, to act on that impulse, and have great fun, with great friends, and it comes only with acting in that moment of time.
And I don’t know why we put things off, why sweep today’s possibilities under the rugs of tomorrow.The joy of grabing the moment and time(of which we have very little these days) sure is something and,we can’t pretend we haven’t been told, we have all heard the proverbs, we have heard the philosophers the damn poet talking about seizing the day. Still sometimes I think we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes, learn our own lessons.
And,if I had to take a guess on our ability to procrastinate I’d say it is out of fear, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of making a decision because what if you’re wrong? And, who the hell isn’t scared. All our lives we have been taught to deal with failure, but no one ever taught us to deal with fear. It was almost like one of those bad secrets that we would have to discover ourselves, and I don’t know how many of us have managed to deal with that fear and how many of us believe that,
Knowing is better that wondering, waking is better than sleeping,shouting is better than shutting up, and even the biggest failure and worst fear will always beat the hell out of never trying.
Of course, we do many things out of impulse, which we later wish we didn't and there are many impulses we control, which we later wish we hadn’t.
But we cant change what we do or dont, time waits for no man, listnes to no prayers,time heals all wounds, and all anyone of us can want is more time. Time to stand up, time to speak out, time to grow up, time to let go. And it was time, for me to let down my hair, to act on that impulse, and have great fun, with great friends, and it comes only with acting in that moment of time.
And I don’t know why we put things off, why sweep today’s possibilities under the rugs of tomorrow.The joy of grabing the moment and time(of which we have very little these days) sure is something and,we can’t pretend we haven’t been told, we have all heard the proverbs, we have heard the philosophers the damn poet talking about seizing the day. Still sometimes I think we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes, learn our own lessons.
And,if I had to take a guess on our ability to procrastinate I’d say it is out of fear, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of making a decision because what if you’re wrong? And, who the hell isn’t scared. All our lives we have been taught to deal with failure, but no one ever taught us to deal with fear. It was almost like one of those bad secrets that we would have to discover ourselves, and I don’t know how many of us have managed to deal with that fear and how many of us believe that,
Knowing is better that wondering, waking is better than sleeping,shouting is better than shutting up, and even the biggest failure and worst fear will always beat the hell out of never trying.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Another Life:
I am sitting alone, away, in my space, and what I desire from life, is piece of land I can call my own. I am sitting in a crowded place, because it’s only here I can find solitude, its only when your in a crowd you can be alone.
I squeezed some time out of my packed scheduled form this much awaited Sunday, pulled on my old rugged jeans and headed for the coffee shop. I did this when I was in college, and my favorite hang out was the open café at Leopolds.I always believe in taking time out for yourself, as should be the case with most of us, for some it’s the retail therapy, for some it’s a coffee shop. (Albeit I would prefer the retail therapy, but I think it’s a function of affordability)
And it’s only when I sit in solitude, force time out for myself, alone, I realize how far I am from where I want to be. I don’t know how many of us truly know, what we want. If you could, try asking yourself that? Can you find a definite answer?
Me, I have a list of things I want to do, none which are connected. But what I really want at this moment in time, is to travel, away, anywhere, with anyone. Now, this doesn’t mean I question my journey so far, I am here for a reason, to find out why is a quest.
But it’s really a comment from an old friend that compels me to further introspection. I have ambition-oodles of it! This should not be confused by drive. Each one of us desires to be on the top of a mountain, rise above what you desire; problem is we don’t know what that mountain is. You just walking a path, not carved by you, but paved by someone else.
Sometimes, I feel like I was shelled to smithereens and there are parts of me strewn all over. There’s a part that exults in a new pair of shoes and a good haircut. A part that wakes up after a late night; for 6:00 am swim, a part that prays every night, a part that dreams every day, a part the competes, a part that doesn’t f-ing care. So many parts, none which match, much like a bad jigsaw puzzle. A bit like Humpty Dumpty, except I don’t think I was ever a nice complete whole. Every time a new facet of my existence branched out, it just grew independent of the rest of me.
Therefore, I disagree with my old friend.
But self inflicted introspection is a bitch! It’s like a free of cost psychotherapy with a wannabe shrink who went to college on a marijuana scholarship!
The most galling thing about pain-my personal variety – is that it robs me of my expressions. I wanna crawl under my blanket stuff my head under the pillow, and never come out of there. But they say, ‘pain-you have to ride it off, live through it, hope is goes away, coz there are no solutions’
A thought occurs to me, perhaps the divine intervention is favorable to those who don’t try to tame the chaos, me, in all my ability to be carefree and careless, I try so hard to feel the winds of change. And I think that the winds of change don’t break those that swim in tandem to their erratic whims. Excuses don’t wash off the sorrow of having fallen down from my own estimation –again.
But hear me when I say, that perhaps floating, half sunken on your back with water blocking your hearing and your eyes squeezed against the sun is the only way to swim.
I squeezed some time out of my packed scheduled form this much awaited Sunday, pulled on my old rugged jeans and headed for the coffee shop. I did this when I was in college, and my favorite hang out was the open café at Leopolds.I always believe in taking time out for yourself, as should be the case with most of us, for some it’s the retail therapy, for some it’s a coffee shop. (Albeit I would prefer the retail therapy, but I think it’s a function of affordability)
And it’s only when I sit in solitude, force time out for myself, alone, I realize how far I am from where I want to be. I don’t know how many of us truly know, what we want. If you could, try asking yourself that? Can you find a definite answer?
Me, I have a list of things I want to do, none which are connected. But what I really want at this moment in time, is to travel, away, anywhere, with anyone. Now, this doesn’t mean I question my journey so far, I am here for a reason, to find out why is a quest.
But it’s really a comment from an old friend that compels me to further introspection. I have ambition-oodles of it! This should not be confused by drive. Each one of us desires to be on the top of a mountain, rise above what you desire; problem is we don’t know what that mountain is. You just walking a path, not carved by you, but paved by someone else.
Sometimes, I feel like I was shelled to smithereens and there are parts of me strewn all over. There’s a part that exults in a new pair of shoes and a good haircut. A part that wakes up after a late night; for 6:00 am swim, a part that prays every night, a part that dreams every day, a part the competes, a part that doesn’t f-ing care. So many parts, none which match, much like a bad jigsaw puzzle. A bit like Humpty Dumpty, except I don’t think I was ever a nice complete whole. Every time a new facet of my existence branched out, it just grew independent of the rest of me.
Therefore, I disagree with my old friend.
But self inflicted introspection is a bitch! It’s like a free of cost psychotherapy with a wannabe shrink who went to college on a marijuana scholarship!
The most galling thing about pain-my personal variety – is that it robs me of my expressions. I wanna crawl under my blanket stuff my head under the pillow, and never come out of there. But they say, ‘pain-you have to ride it off, live through it, hope is goes away, coz there are no solutions’
A thought occurs to me, perhaps the divine intervention is favorable to those who don’t try to tame the chaos, me, in all my ability to be carefree and careless, I try so hard to feel the winds of change. And I think that the winds of change don’t break those that swim in tandem to their erratic whims. Excuses don’t wash off the sorrow of having fallen down from my own estimation –again.
But hear me when I say, that perhaps floating, half sunken on your back with water blocking your hearing and your eyes squeezed against the sun is the only way to swim.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Maybe...
The heart is really stupid that way, it understands no logic, and it knows no consequence. It lives on a short selling dream.
It makes you gulp the last beer, when you know this will cost you more than you can pay, it makes you pick the best shirt, when you know your card limit is way overdue, it makes you kill time and spend those extra hours…just waiting.. .
Maybe the heart was designed to be stupid, because no amount intelligence can make up for how naturally foolish it can really get.
But , maybe we are not supposed to be happy,maybe he had it all planned, he gave us tools like love and gratitude to help us find happiness.But then again, maybe love is only an illusion; Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful is just being selfish. Maybe it is recognizing what you have for what it takes. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human.
But everyday, somewhere each one of us has a reason to celebrate, for we had the courage to be standing still. To be a survivor in this battle called life.
But what does one do, when you loose the battle. When your heart wrenches to reach out and jump with joy and it never happens, when you wait for that message and it never comes, when you browse through your mail every morning and there is nothing. What do you do, when you want to say it all, scream your heart out and fear takes in?
What you do, is make a choice. A choice which will be a descion to change things, a resolution; a promise to yourself. And at some point we all make a decision, because boundaries don’t keep people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, so make your peace with it! The choice is that, we can spend our lives drawing lines or we can live it crossing them.
But the truth is, there are some lines, which are dangerous to cross, and it these lines we don’t draw, neither do we choose to cross.
The truth is, there are something’s you can’t escape, and other things you don’t want to know.
But the truth about truth is that it hurts and therefore everyone lies. Everyone hides.
What I know is simple. Pleasure is good and Pain is bad, and no pain is better. But, the reality is that pain is there to tell me something,and maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.
And the reality for me is just faith.Some day I will realize, that life is not what you dreamt and that its not important to live happily everafter. Someday I will see that once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while, a part of that fairytale will come true.
It makes you gulp the last beer, when you know this will cost you more than you can pay, it makes you pick the best shirt, when you know your card limit is way overdue, it makes you kill time and spend those extra hours…just waiting.. .
Maybe the heart was designed to be stupid, because no amount intelligence can make up for how naturally foolish it can really get.
But , maybe we are not supposed to be happy,maybe he had it all planned, he gave us tools like love and gratitude to help us find happiness.But then again, maybe love is only an illusion; Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful is just being selfish. Maybe it is recognizing what you have for what it takes. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human.
But everyday, somewhere each one of us has a reason to celebrate, for we had the courage to be standing still. To be a survivor in this battle called life.
But what does one do, when you loose the battle. When your heart wrenches to reach out and jump with joy and it never happens, when you wait for that message and it never comes, when you browse through your mail every morning and there is nothing. What do you do, when you want to say it all, scream your heart out and fear takes in?
What you do, is make a choice. A choice which will be a descion to change things, a resolution; a promise to yourself. And at some point we all make a decision, because boundaries don’t keep people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, so make your peace with it! The choice is that, we can spend our lives drawing lines or we can live it crossing them.
But the truth is, there are some lines, which are dangerous to cross, and it these lines we don’t draw, neither do we choose to cross.
The truth is, there are something’s you can’t escape, and other things you don’t want to know.
But the truth about truth is that it hurts and therefore everyone lies. Everyone hides.
What I know is simple. Pleasure is good and Pain is bad, and no pain is better. But, the reality is that pain is there to tell me something,and maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.
And the reality for me is just faith.Some day I will realize, that life is not what you dreamt and that its not important to live happily everafter. Someday I will see that once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while, a part of that fairytale will come true.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Blessed…
“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
“Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”
“Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you
(Matthew 5 The Sermon on the Mount)
I am not a pacifist, and I refuse to turn the other cheek, when slapped on one. But, I also can’t bridge the gap between what is faith and what is known. There is no chapter on proof, in the Vedas. I believe humans were not intended to be skeptic. No one asks for a justification. Yes, man is still considered rational.
But I know not what I feel, when I read of the killings in Chattisgarh. Reminds me of the of the Jallianwala Bagh Massacre, I read in history and I wondered, how ghastly would a man’s psyche have to be, to have to open fire on innocent people, and its not 1919 anymore, but the thoughts are the same.
But, Should I talk about the killing of 11 unarmed protestors in Nandigram by police fire or the killing of 49 policemen by naxal fire? Reality Check thinks that the killings of the policemen are more shocking because the police represent the states’ monopoly over the use of violence (or in this case, the lack thereof). The monopoly over the use of force is the bedrock on which countries are built.
But, I am not here to challenge reality all I know is,there has been a mass killing, there has been a massacre, a state sponsored blood war. History does repeat itself.
One page of today’s news paper has all shades of this nation, a funeral for the men who were killed in the horrendous Maoists attack, a communist party reconciling with a massacre over a capitalist dream, an esteemed Supreme Court judge breaking down in public over allegations on his ethical character- a delayed verdict, a city struggling with basic problems of water, and a cricket super hero taking pleasure in the awe of his fans.
I believe this country’s emotions are as fragmented as this post and I don’t think I can really write anything more as; I wallow in my painless grief.
As a friend says very rightly’ Industrialization is about progress not regress’. But who will tell this, to the ‘uneducated’ literate bastards.
If killing is democracy …I am not Democratic!
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Random Thoughts...
(*read at your own risk)
7:00 am: Earsplitting alarm, unsteady walk, hangover, still sleepy, can’t think, no plans, no thoughts, just fighting…fighting to get out of bed.
9:00 am: Wide awake, city’s a buzz, can sense the enthusiasm, can sense the frustration, can smell it… smell the chai,
I have an agenda, things to do, people to meet, work, presentation, now I am fighting…fighting the urgency, gotta meet someone!
12:00 pm: Yippee my presentations are done, grueling month, skipped lunches, tea breaks, We get a ‘good show’. now relieved, now sleepy, now I am fighting…fighting to stay awake, gotta meet someone too!
5:00 pm: Chai again, wasted hours, clichéd chats, nostalgic discussions, revelations, everything’s fine, I am fighting …fighting to stay awake. Someone to meet still!
8:00 pm: In a lecture, not interested, no conscience, unmoving, heavy eye-lids, no compromise, still fighting…fighting to stay awake. Someone to meet still!
9:00 pm…time to go home! End of a day, dinner and drinks, fluffing the pillow, reading a book, couldn’t meet someone…again!
… just a frivolous message….
and so it ends.
7:00 am: Earsplitting alarm, unsteady walk, hangover, still sleepy, can’t think, no plans, no thoughts, just fighting…fighting to get out of bed.
9:00 am: Wide awake, city’s a buzz, can sense the enthusiasm, can sense the frustration, can smell it… smell the chai,
I have an agenda, things to do, people to meet, work, presentation, now I am fighting…fighting the urgency, gotta meet someone!
12:00 pm: Yippee my presentations are done, grueling month, skipped lunches, tea breaks, We get a ‘good show’. now relieved, now sleepy, now I am fighting…fighting to stay awake, gotta meet someone too!
5:00 pm: Chai again, wasted hours, clichéd chats, nostalgic discussions, revelations, everything’s fine, I am fighting …fighting to stay awake. Someone to meet still!
8:00 pm: In a lecture, not interested, no conscience, unmoving, heavy eye-lids, no compromise, still fighting…fighting to stay awake. Someone to meet still!
9:00 pm…time to go home! End of a day, dinner and drinks, fluffing the pillow, reading a book, couldn’t meet someone…again!
… just a frivolous message….
and so it ends.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Choices…
I know this is my choice, my descion, self- inflicted source…so who do rant to about this!?, who do I complain to, I cant stand in front of the mirror and point fingers to myself and say “its your own damn fault!!”
I see his great wisdom at work, I am foolish enough to make mistakes, but wise enough to have a conscience that would hit me.
…but not anymore… Boredom and Lethargy are settling in my pores, weighing my eyelids down; making me unable to think about myself with regret. So much wisdom at hindsight-all the signs by the universe cannot stop me from thinking about it…which is clogging my senses and preventing the foul odor my scruples from reaching this thick brain of mine.
I can’t help but wonder about the choice I have made…I didn’t plan for this, Noosiree…I did not plan to be institutionalized.
I didn’t choose away my freedom. I didn’t choose away by sleep, my weekends, and my shopping sprees.
What I want is so much more than what Life is offering me right now, and these little desires which surface make it difficult for me to turn away…I can finally see that the parts do not add up to a whole.
Is this my perdition!?....do I have to sit through a lecture of a self bloated prof. do I have to turn down an invitation to fly down to another city. It’s the little girl again throwing tantrums… again…
I’m sitting through my lectures…dealing with a grumbling sciatic area…gives a new meaning to the phrase “pain in the ass”….
Excuses apart, I have to learn to live with my choices, I have to discern my desires and curb my impulses. I have to look at the bigger picture and stop my sub-conscience from getting the better of my “superego”.
What a fun prospect!!
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Impulse…
So can a woman regret a good impulse!? OH yes!
In many ways there is a part of me that sighs in smug satisfaction at what I just did. That part of me is one that reads Ayn Rand, Paul Coelho, Ethics of Philosophy and The Holy Vedas. Then there is the part of me.. the pea brained, demented soul living on her impulse… singing at a Karaoke bar, driving down to Goa, deciding to leave for Lonavla at 8:00 pm, screaming in a open air café obscenities to mortify a friend (and boy did it work), the footsies, the sculling, the jives…
…the delight of being youthful.
..so I had another impulse, crawling in my brain but, its success was not my fate to decide. So like a dutiful daughter I ran up to him, with the toddler smile, I posed my request. Much to my surprise… Appa agreed… he smiled like a wise man and said… “I call it the dream of every youth and therefore I regret being old”
I rarely spend time with him these days. I forget his unassuming background. I forget how many impulses he might have trampled for me to fulfill mine.
And its not my conscience that smotes me…its his legacy that I have shrugged off that pinches me. Because somewhere in me, in my being that wallows constantly in self pity, there is his heritage. His words are always his to command, a small feat for a man who could often command his emotions- a heroic task for the likes of me.
… I smiled back “…being old makes you wiser Pa, I think I am growing up too”.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Small Wonders….
I detect negative energy very well- emitting from me, directed towards me and when it’s all around me, I call it “vibes”. I get this feeling in the mid regions right where my rib cage ends!
Some other feelings are like it too, anxiety, loneliness, fear --bone deep, silent kind! But when this feeling stays and knots into a dull sort of pain, that’s when I know how much I distrust it and how much I am in awe of it.
But amidst all the eloquent woes of mine, I have tried to keep myself surrounded by happy things, Happy couples, close friends and of course,Pree- if there is a goddess of positivism, she has been reincarnated.
But lately I have been waking up not feeling myself. Everyday has been a routine of:
Gritty eyes-check!! headache-check!!...lazy pissed off attitude-check!!
..the work, the deadlines, the non cooperating team members…just don’t add to any positive feeling.
And when negativism enters my life, it pervades its existence to all the other aspects of my life. I don’t want it too, but it just happens.
It’s funny what all you can do without trying at all. All the spiritual books in the world, all those little prayers in the night, don’t get rid of the evil. Sleep is just a temporary relief.
Then I tried, “selective perception” and *Blink* ….the unhappy me went on a holiday and in came the school girlish attitude. – giggly , incredibly uncontrolled!!
Little things made me happy - new shoes, new clothes, “shudder” pink outlandishly cute bottle, and cartoons ( so glad to see popeye was back in english)
Then of course there were the meaningful things - Lunch with mom, conversations with an old friend, demented laughter spree on bizarre self portraits, bike ride with a friend, phone calls from a distance...just to say what’s up…and... little gestures from the unexpected ones.
Life ain’t that bad after all.
Some other feelings are like it too, anxiety, loneliness, fear --bone deep, silent kind! But when this feeling stays and knots into a dull sort of pain, that’s when I know how much I distrust it and how much I am in awe of it.
But amidst all the eloquent woes of mine, I have tried to keep myself surrounded by happy things, Happy couples, close friends and of course,Pree- if there is a goddess of positivism, she has been reincarnated.
But lately I have been waking up not feeling myself. Everyday has been a routine of:
Gritty eyes-check!! headache-check!!...lazy pissed off attitude-check!!
..the work, the deadlines, the non cooperating team members…just don’t add to any positive feeling.
And when negativism enters my life, it pervades its existence to all the other aspects of my life. I don’t want it too, but it just happens.
It’s funny what all you can do without trying at all. All the spiritual books in the world, all those little prayers in the night, don’t get rid of the evil. Sleep is just a temporary relief.
Then I tried, “selective perception” and *Blink* ….the unhappy me went on a holiday and in came the school girlish attitude. – giggly , incredibly uncontrolled!!
Little things made me happy - new shoes, new clothes, “shudder” pink outlandishly cute bottle, and cartoons ( so glad to see popeye was back in english)
Then of course there were the meaningful things - Lunch with mom, conversations with an old friend, demented laughter spree on bizarre self portraits, bike ride with a friend, phone calls from a distance...just to say what’s up…and... little gestures from the unexpected ones.
Life ain’t that bad after all.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Here and now
I think I have redeemed myself – alteast a little bit. Though I am mortified at thinking I mite have given someone the right impression.
My friends say that it has to do with the way I am. It’s a lot easier for me being me. (as I believe should be the case with everyone, but if only being true , came without a price…and whole lot of other bullshit)
I almost always give the right impression, when I am conscious of it and I enjoy it too.
Today however I wish I wasn’t as transparent. I wish I never said things as much as I did.
I wish I never called…I wish I never expected… for it never comes about and …with no surprises ...it never did.
But my heart is not broken, and I can’t say that without the feeling of mortification color my neck. I believe I have outpaced these emotional troughs and peaks.
..but if I suffer a little at the end of my desire and a few hidden what ifs run through my head. I owe it all to the fact that I am a woman and I write it down to the inability of the female mind to give up on its favorite fantasy.
Somewhere, I read the theory of commitment and logic constituting what everyone wants to romanticize into love… and I remember dismissing the same logic as frigid .
But then I thought that in , how we all love, loose, move on, love again, marry make babies and dismiss some of our emotions as childish and fleeting lies the proof …of how wise is the concept of “detachment.”
But that silly little thing on which my life runs refuses to go by this logic. I write this now, but tomorrow much like a brain dead person… my heart will take control.
I will smile again, I will wish again…I will daydream, and wonder then if it it will ever come true…
I think I have redeemed myself – alteast a little bit. Though I am mortified at thinking I mite have given someone the right impression.
My friends say that it has to do with the way I am. It’s a lot easier for me being me. (as I believe should be the case with everyone, but if only being true , came without a price…and whole lot of other bullshit)
I almost always give the right impression, when I am conscious of it and I enjoy it too.
Today however I wish I wasn’t as transparent. I wish I never said things as much as I did.
I wish I never called…I wish I never expected… for it never comes about and …with no surprises ...it never did.
But my heart is not broken, and I can’t say that without the feeling of mortification color my neck. I believe I have outpaced these emotional troughs and peaks.
..but if I suffer a little at the end of my desire and a few hidden what ifs run through my head. I owe it all to the fact that I am a woman and I write it down to the inability of the female mind to give up on its favorite fantasy.
Somewhere, I read the theory of commitment and logic constituting what everyone wants to romanticize into love… and I remember dismissing the same logic as frigid .
But then I thought that in , how we all love, loose, move on, love again, marry make babies and dismiss some of our emotions as childish and fleeting lies the proof …of how wise is the concept of “detachment.”
But that silly little thing on which my life runs refuses to go by this logic. I write this now, but tomorrow much like a brain dead person… my heart will take control.
I will smile again, I will wish again…I will daydream, and wonder then if it it will ever come true…
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
…Can you hear me?....
I have been struggling in the past few days to take some time off and pen down (type out) my thoughts….
..but in the process I have discovered the divine truth of MBA…. in the fear of being caught doing nothing, we take up some of the most frivolous tasks which lead to procrastination of the meaningful ones.
I write today about my thoughts that find root in someone elses...not just anybody though!
In the last few weeks I have had the privilege of sitting through the lectures of some of the great men of my time. Anil Tandon, Y.K.Sabarwal, Narayan Murthy, etc..
I heard them all, talk about the prominence of my nation. I felt the pride.
The pride that we are intelligent, we are unique with our culture, we have survived history, we have been blessed with spirituality, prestigious institutions and great philosophers, we a nation of a billion and counting and are finally visible on the real map of the world.
Unfortunately, I felt like it was all a myth…
Call me a skeptic…but I refuse to celebrate the 9% growth ; while my maid refuses to educate her child.
I refuse to believe that liberalization has done us good while the farmers still continue to take their lives.
I refuse to applaud the prestigious institutes; while the birth of a girl child is still considered as a shame in this nation.
My country's childhood has been traumatic....she has been ruled of her indepenence , she has been raped of her identity, but she still struggles today... be it the himalayan borders or the barren vidharba...
…I am saddened by the Identity crisis my country faces….
We laugh at the political system and the people who run it.
But a country gets the politicians it deserves!! and this laughter signifies denial. Denial due to the fear of our inability to change the system.
Its not funny to me ……not anymore……..
Saturday, December 30, 2006
From another life:
Pesticides in coke ;train bombs ,dengue ,traffic,bad roads and curroupt authorities.
All these are reasons for the NRI’s to wonder "But why do I come back to India?" ..
I could note a few reasons why-
- because I want signposts in marathi, I want temple bells at dusk, I want to eat bhel puri on the streets, I want the smelly streets that tell me I am nearing home, I want my ‘chiwda’, I want the beaches with coconut vendors, I want to go the talkies to see a fillum.
Heck, I even want the daily ‘train peak hour rush’…, the slow ass internet, the mosquitoes, the cows on the road, the long bus ride...anything if only it were home.
I was born in tropical heat, I was reared with red tape and bureaucratic bullshit, I am equipped to fight for every 'equal' opportunity because I had the misfortune of being born female or of a certain caste.
I am convinced….
Pesticides in coke ;train bombs ,dengue ,traffic,bad roads and curroupt authorities.
All these are reasons for the NRI’s to wonder "But why do I come back to India?" ..
I could note a few reasons why-
- because I want signposts in marathi, I want temple bells at dusk, I want to eat bhel puri on the streets, I want the smelly streets that tell me I am nearing home, I want my ‘chiwda’, I want the beaches with coconut vendors, I want to go the talkies to see a fillum.
Heck, I even want the daily ‘train peak hour rush’…, the slow ass internet, the mosquitoes, the cows on the road, the long bus ride...anything if only it were home.
I was born in tropical heat, I was reared with red tape and bureaucratic bullshit, I am equipped to fight for every 'equal' opportunity because I had the misfortune of being born female or of a certain caste.
I am convinced….
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Adaptive Systems....
Adjusting to life...being flexible...and adhering to your beloveds wishes...these are all considered to be good traits, or so the world makes us believe
We have always been taught to think rationally...to be reasonable...
But the real question is who defined reasonable?
I firmly beleve in what the vedas say "we are all belessed with a boon"....few of us have been lucky to find it....most of us develop what I call....
adaptive systems.
Your profound ignorance of your ablilty to give into situations and people you would want to reject under complete awarness...
Thereby, it is okai sometimes to reject the best of the options, it is good to have missed the last opportunity.
Because what you belive is good for you is a pure result of these adaptive systems.
It is said...
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himslef.Therefore progress always depends on the unreasonable man.
Take a minitue and think.....and next time....dont be so adaptive.....find out what you really want.... and go for it.
Adjusting to life...being flexible...and adhering to your beloveds wishes...these are all considered to be good traits, or so the world makes us believe
We have always been taught to think rationally...to be reasonable...
But the real question is who defined reasonable?
I firmly beleve in what the vedas say "we are all belessed with a boon"....few of us have been lucky to find it....most of us develop what I call....
adaptive systems.
Your profound ignorance of your ablilty to give into situations and people you would want to reject under complete awarness...
Thereby, it is okai sometimes to reject the best of the options, it is good to have missed the last opportunity.
Because what you belive is good for you is a pure result of these adaptive systems.
It is said...
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himslef.Therefore progress always depends on the unreasonable man.
Take a minitue and think.....and next time....dont be so adaptive.....find out what you really want.... and go for it.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Bun Maska and chai….
Any one who has lived in mumbai long enough (and this has nothing to do with time) when describing the city would talk about crowded trains, pitiful roads, bollywood, Vada pav etc.
I add one more to that list…. The Iranian Restaurants.
Most of these restaurants are really old, running back to 20 years. Their menus seem to have caught up with time but their service is nothing close to the speedy century we live in.
Run by old irani uncles who look really lazy, but are far from it, they are mostly managed by the shabbily dressed men, who are probably not the kind of people you want to be served by and I have come to believe that the ambiance of any irani restaurant is enough to kill the appetite of someone who thinks Mc Donald’s needs a customer feedback.
Yet, in their own indifferent way these restaurants can very much be associated with and like any acquaintance you want to cherish, you need to give it more than one chance.
By fate, I have been able to do so; every university I have studied at, has had an irani restaurant by the side. First Stadium and now Gulshan…
Bedsides... all the biryanis and mutton patties that they are known for my favorite remains Bun Maska and chai…
For a mere 12 bucks: this little combo is perfect! Especially at 7:30 am when the city is wide-awake and the irani uncle plays his favorite mohomad rafi track.
You really feel like you have you have traveled back in time.
In my busy schedule where I am living on a clock this 15 mins of my early morning chai makes me feel there is no hurry, no timelines, no worries….
If we are what we eat…I would be this refreshing chai and bun maska……available amidst all the superficial concerns, which would kill your desire to know what it is really all about.
All it takes, is a second chance.
Any one who has lived in mumbai long enough (and this has nothing to do with time) when describing the city would talk about crowded trains, pitiful roads, bollywood, Vada pav etc.
I add one more to that list…. The Iranian Restaurants.
Most of these restaurants are really old, running back to 20 years. Their menus seem to have caught up with time but their service is nothing close to the speedy century we live in.
Run by old irani uncles who look really lazy, but are far from it, they are mostly managed by the shabbily dressed men, who are probably not the kind of people you want to be served by and I have come to believe that the ambiance of any irani restaurant is enough to kill the appetite of someone who thinks Mc Donald’s needs a customer feedback.
Yet, in their own indifferent way these restaurants can very much be associated with and like any acquaintance you want to cherish, you need to give it more than one chance.
By fate, I have been able to do so; every university I have studied at, has had an irani restaurant by the side. First Stadium and now Gulshan…
Bedsides... all the biryanis and mutton patties that they are known for my favorite remains Bun Maska and chai…
For a mere 12 bucks: this little combo is perfect! Especially at 7:30 am when the city is wide-awake and the irani uncle plays his favorite mohomad rafi track.
You really feel like you have you have traveled back in time.
In my busy schedule where I am living on a clock this 15 mins of my early morning chai makes me feel there is no hurry, no timelines, no worries….
If we are what we eat…I would be this refreshing chai and bun maska……available amidst all the superficial concerns, which would kill your desire to know what it is really all about.
All it takes, is a second chance.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Multitasking…
At 22, I am institutionalized.
I have rules, an agenda, a meeting and a team of people to work with.
The older I become the lesser my autonomy.
But most of it is self-inflicted.
The list of things for me to do on a daily basis include:
- Read eco times
- Read TOI
- Work on the paper
- Meet professors for discussion
- Read a book (currently reading Blue Ocean)
- College work (placement, alumni etc)
- Presentations (Variable)
- CSR projects
- the inevitable studying. (Highly variable)
- and a list of things I do for other people purely out of guilt.
Such kind of Multitasking is actually considered to be a good thing in management.
I could be viewed as someone with high energy levels, very active etc. (flaws of HR?)
To me I am just doing stuff…
I have the time and I have the resources, I mite as well make full use..
Don’t misunderstand. I do have a life…my occasional visits to Leo’s never stop, I still walk around fort and I still go shopping.
Now the real thing to wonder is…
Does doing so many things, which you believe is worthwhile always good?
I dunoo…
But I remember reading somewhere:
“Doing stuff is overrated. Like Hitler. Wouldn’t we all wish he would have just stayed at home and gotten stoned.”
Point is: Its okay to be lazy, its okay to sleep extra one day and reach a little late for work.
And if you get a brilliant Idea at 3 in morning...please go back to sleep... nothing is as important as it first seems.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Need to be Opinionated.
After, giving nine consecutive papers, having three arguments, meeting four really good friends and some several bad jokes later …I headed back home.
On my way I encountered the usual mumbai traffic, bad roads, broken signals with no traffic police. I was a victim to this wretchedness for a good 2 hours.
During that journey I wondered,
Why are the roads always bad?
Why aren’t the signals working?
Where are the traffic police?
…poor sanitation, drainage problems, poor healthcare
Who is responsible for all this?
…I have the ‘Right’ to know this information. It is one of my Fundamental rights!!
The problem is we don’t exercise it enough. Because we are not opinionated!!
When we leave the house we assume we get traffic, we know the roads will be awful, we know littering is bad and no one to hold us responsible, we know there will be floods and so we prepare our selves for it
Why do we always work backwards??…or are we really this complacent?
Throughout history there have been many examples where people have reacted against injustice, rigid mindsets and unfair ideologies ,however its not just their emotions that have made them change the course of actions but it’s the number.
Mass revolutions.
The British who were sent back home from India, the U.S troops who withdrew from Vietnam, The women who won their right to vote, are all examples for what public opnions can do.
Recently the protests across the country led the government to withdraw the amendment to Right to Information.
A victory to those who were opinionated.
As for those who still aren’t:
be intolerant, be insensitive, lack patience... because we need to reach that point in time where we say ‘enough is enough’
As for me…. I shall file my first Right to Information!
After, giving nine consecutive papers, having three arguments, meeting four really good friends and some several bad jokes later …I headed back home.
On my way I encountered the usual mumbai traffic, bad roads, broken signals with no traffic police. I was a victim to this wretchedness for a good 2 hours.
During that journey I wondered,
Why are the roads always bad?
Why aren’t the signals working?
Where are the traffic police?
…poor sanitation, drainage problems, poor healthcare
Who is responsible for all this?
…I have the ‘Right’ to know this information. It is one of my Fundamental rights!!
The problem is we don’t exercise it enough. Because we are not opinionated!!
When we leave the house we assume we get traffic, we know the roads will be awful, we know littering is bad and no one to hold us responsible, we know there will be floods and so we prepare our selves for it
Why do we always work backwards??…or are we really this complacent?
Throughout history there have been many examples where people have reacted against injustice, rigid mindsets and unfair ideologies ,however its not just their emotions that have made them change the course of actions but it’s the number.
Mass revolutions.
The British who were sent back home from India, the U.S troops who withdrew from Vietnam, The women who won their right to vote, are all examples for what public opnions can do.
Recently the protests across the country led the government to withdraw the amendment to Right to Information.
A victory to those who were opinionated.
As for those who still aren’t:
be intolerant, be insensitive, lack patience... because we need to reach that point in time where we say ‘enough is enough’
As for me…. I shall file my first Right to Information!
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Walking down Causeway
....Churchill…Picadelly….Leopold’s and the familiar smokes from Henry road….
Since college has gotten over I haven’t been to causeway… and I really miss it.
Far away from home, it takes me a good hour to get there…but it seems all worth it
My liking of that place has to do with many reasons…. friends…dates…drinks …movies good food…but most importantly the familiarity I share…I could walk blindfolded and yet navigate myself perfectly from mondeys to golden yolk. (Conditions apply)
I have met some interesting people on that street...a bunch of friendly Delhiites overwhelmed with mumbai’s fast life …a few ‘firangs’ who almost always fell prey to the our desi beggar tactics,a split personality cabbie who called him self “Joe something ”.
Causeway to me is not just a street…it seems to convey a lot more than that… …it still has that old Bombay feel to it… The Gateway of India, the art deco style Regal theatre, the cafes (Mondegar, Royal and Leopold) all add to it.
Don’t get me wrong…this is not a guide to the best places in mumbai…
I just believe that everyone has a favorite place in their much loved city…a place that u customarily find reasons to go to ….a place where you’d always want to buy your things from, everything else from anywhere else seems inferior…a place which you would unquestionably miss when u leave the city.
Causeway to me is not just a street…it seems to convey a lot more than that… …it still has that old Bombay feel to it… The Gateway of India, the art deco style Regal theatre, the cafes (Mondegar, Royal and Leopold) all add to it.
Don’t get me wrong…this is not a guide to the best places in mumbai…
I just believe that everyone has a favorite place in their much loved city…a place that u customarily find reasons to go to ….a place where you’d always want to buy your things from, everything else from anywhere else seems inferior…a place which you would unquestionably miss when u leave the city.
Now think….If you were in your favorite city where would you go?
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