Just a thought

I think the more I read about the Darfur conflict , the more convinced I am that if there is anything called heaven or hell its right here, on earth. If you had to suffer for the crimes you committed you might as well be left on a peice of land where people never see an end to their suffering.

Rape , murder, child abuse, hunger, poverty - I dont think it could get any worse and I also dont think anyone deserves it no matter how cruel one has been. God is merciful he isnt spiteful. It is us.


Just a thought...


Things that should matter to us but they don't :

Corruption
Pollution
Environment
Poverty
Child Labor
Child Abuse
Racism/Discrimination
Domestic Violence

Things that matter to us but they Shouldn't :

Caste
Morality
Religion
Censorships
Greed
Profit
Corporate Ladder
Next New Car

World is the only thing we would leave for our children, Are these the values we want them to have?

It's a good thing

I learnt a lesson and I learnt it the hard way. I can wave and rant and go on but I choose to write down the good part about it so here goes …

Its a good thing

To be hurt at times: You remember the feeling for a long time to come

To be positive: As at a cross road you meet someone who warms up at your smile

To be strong: Because you need it to carry things that other people trust you with

To be grounded: Because you may win this time, you may want to next time but you possibly may not win each time

To play with kids: Soon you realize you have a lot more in common with them.

To be understanding: The sooner you realize there was a reason the faster you know the control was not in your hands

To be supportive: As sometimes your mere presence can work wonders for their self confidence

To be flexible: For everyone will at some point of time demand your time

To look into their eyes: Then those myriad pools can no longer hold on to their murky colors.

Finally,

It’s good to lend a hand: because that’s the power of human touch. Everyone needs it at some point of time….

Discontent...

There is a despair in me that I cannot explain away with all my inventive genius. I can't put my finger on whether it is guilt at the consequences I have now chosen to add to my life and that of others or just my selfish needs or if its pure wishful thinking for utopian win-wins. Maybe its a sorry mix of both - yes that's most likely it. What I want, what I seek is soo much different than what life is throwing at me right now – and I have to face it. Avoidence wont solve anything, at best and at worse it will ruin all.

But, I can't make excuses without tripling my self-disgust, and all these dreams make it so difficult to turn away the little bits and peices that seem to be manifesting themselves in my day to day. It is these little bits and pieces of my dreams that keep my faith alive. I keep hoping the day will get better and all my fears will be proven wrong. But,maybe having so much beliefe in something isnt such a good thing afterall, and that’s why it’s the cynics who will always remain happy. I see now that the parts in isolation of each other don't add up to the whole. Hence the emptiness, the bitter silence of my inner judge - condemning my stupidity, my greed, my pitifulness. I cannot survive more introspection – for I don’t see it manifest into something constructive for me to deal with this pain.

I understand now the bigger picture, for the approach had been all or nothing. Funny thing is, I had just been getting used to the nothing too and actually figuring out how to enjoy the anticipation. But now the anticipation is over and , I find myself praying silenty for a some for some strength, for some wisdom and for some miracles.

I know I sound like complete pessimist who refuses to see the glass as half full, but I think with this there is a floating line , a barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual. And depends on what's being poured.

I see now, that when I am supposed to be happy, I still find a reason to be discontent. Maybe I am happy being discontent, because if you get everything you ever wanted …then what’s next?

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

Faith...

One of the things I have often wondered about is - faith . Whether it is really a strength or is it a weakness, whether believing in a higher power who guides you through life is a matter of low self-esteem or there really is something to back it up...

I wonder about this because I believe I have real faith... I'm not fatalistic, but I have faith in the saying that whatever happens…happens for the good..,

I have faith in my God...and no, he's not performed 'miracles' like making things appear from thin air or making things disappear in one touch.. but I have faith, and tremendous amount of it,... and I have faith that whatever is happening in my life, I can't see the broader picture, but there is someone up there (or anywhere for that matter) who can.. he sees the bigger picture... and so the things that you can't explain, the things that you can't control, you just leave it up to faith.. You do what you have to do, and leave the rest upto your faith and believe that things will get better...

I have faith to believe that the choices that I make at every step of my life have a reason behind it…even though I won’t ever be able to tell.

I have faith, in the people I trust … and I have faith in the relationships I make.

I have nothing to prove that faith, except that I believe in it.. and have believed in it for so long that I can't remember life without it…

So then I ponder, is it my weakness that I want to double-check my life constantly with some 'higher power', or is it that such a higher power really exists.. I'm not advocating that someone on earth is God, I'm not propounding that one should blindly believe in what is not apparent... but then when one is educated, has a fairly reasonable 'thinking mind' and then one believes in concepts such as faith, God, guidance - then it can't just be lack of faith in oneself... afterall, 'God' isn't a person who you can talk to, God is an experience.. you experience the presence of a higher power through your life all the time… if only, you watch close enough... everything we do, every choice we make ,forms a pattern…

I'm wondering about all this because there are times in my life when I sit back and wonder about why certain things happened, why my life has been so tough and yet there has always been a silver-lining with every problem that came up. why something that seemed a distant dream, then became a reality.. and my faith is reinforced yet again....


But, I still have nothing to prove it.. .

She...

They say that your entire life flashes before your eyes just when your about to die. I think the same applies for goodbyes too.

Because, right there when I had just a few minutes before I could say goodbye, did our whole journey together flashed before my eyes. It’s a real case in point of how we met; two totally different people became inseparable forever.

I've heard that it's possible to grow up, but us… we never grew up and I don’t think we ever will... we have lived our lives like there’s always tomorrow, for we wanted to live to get more, this was mainly her, she had ambition – oodles of it!!, we have broken the rules and we have made some for ourselves. We have thrown tantrums when things didn’t go our way, we have hidden secrets, we have shared secrets,, we have looked for comfort where we cant find it, and we hoped for everything – we have dreamt like little girls - and we have seen it come true, against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we have never given up…

And…with her I don’t think I ever will, she can fill you up with hope and faith even on days she feels helpless but she will never show it. She can sometimes be brave and never admit it. She is not the best at taking compliments and never runs out of giving others any. She is someone who can lend a thousand to a stranger, she is someone who can compliment a stranger,(remember the coffee shop).She is a blessing to the people she is nice to, and for those who piss her off… (save your souls).. and for those who don’t know her….. you have no idea what your missing out on.

And as I stood there, trying to say goodbye, I said a little prayer.. for all the times we have had. (bad relationships, bad breakups, bad dates, good times at leos, stay overs and movies, dosa and addai, daman and due, Mumbai trains, Mumbai rains, chezzy pick up lines, vengeful ex’s, bitchy friends, lieing at home, blind dates.. first beer, first shots, shopping sprees, brrowing money on broke days,....). and all the times we will share.

.....Go on and live your dream, …. !

I Feel...

Lonely in the crowd
Smiling when sad
Hurt but too proud
This is what it feels like..

Dreams are hopes
You lost yourself on the way
Not that it would’ve mattered
This is what it feels like..

Put your head high
Walk the walk
Dun let your lips sigh
This is what it feels like

Ignore the dream
Fake the fun
Stifle the scream
Is this what it feels like!?

Sometimes.... somethings

One of the reasons, I would choose to go back to childhood is because it was soo much easier to say what you felt then, As a kid it was simple, I would cry when I was hurt, I would scream to be heard, I would even go blue and I am not sure weather the purpose was served, but it didn’t really matter then, all it needed was for me to say it.

As individuals, we are blessed with this ability to communicate and I am not sure at what age that blessing simply disappears.

Yes, communication is the first thing we learn in life. Foolishly ecstatic on that ability, naïve to the fact, that one once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it will become to know what to say, to say what you want, and to want to say what you really feel.

Ofcourse, on such days you would scribble in your diary or blog random things on which no one really gives a damn. (giggles). But the point is, you don’t see it coming, I wish there was a rule book for these kind of things, you know they would tell you

When your wrong: Shut up and listen!
When it hurts : Cry (and its okai to do so)
When your happy: Smile!
When you know it: Say it!

Ofcourse, this is my version of a pseudo rule book, of which I don’t live by at all.

Because, then one day, just I discovered some other secrets of life; I realized that this inability is a blessing of its own.

Some times, you needn’t say what you feel, sometimes, its good to contemplate; sometimes you’re glad you never opened your mouth.

But sometimes, there are some things you just can't help but talk about.

Sometimes, there are things, we just don't want to hear, sometimes, we cant wait to hear somethings and sometimes, we say some things because we can't be silent any longer.

Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say because there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. Some things someone else would say it for you.

But most importantly, sometimes, not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

One thoughtful Morning…

I woke up today feeling a bit like myself – lost, lazy, pissed off, ready for self analysis to build up that irritatingly positive attitude. Its a love and hate relationship with me and postive thinking and, something innately honest about me makes this self-analysis a verrry unpleasant process. If my closest friends knew about the worthless thoughts that cross my mind when I am alone, they would take one real good look at me and hold thier thumb and forefinger to their foreheads - in a resounding capital L! (haha)

But being alone makes you do crazy things, experient with some skills you thought you never had (fyi- I just mean cooking). For the past one month now, I have been living alone, trying very hard to simulate the work life balance, albeit a pathetic attempt. By the end of 2 weeks, I almost had domino’s on speed dail. Can you blame me? its no fun cooking for yourself, and I am not that good either.

Yes, being alone can be quite introspective.

Bur sometimes, its just want you need, to be able to define that space for yourself, create that artificial distance, probably because it is only then do you realize how its feels to be close to someone. It’s a choice you will then eventually make

John Donne, once had an opinion about being alone, He thought we are never alone.

Of course; it was a lot fancier when he said it. "No man is an island entire unto himself."

Boil down all that island talk, and what he really meant was that all anyone needs is someone else to step in, even on a day when you think you don’t need it. You do!

It could be just a phone call, a lovely dinner, a close friend, or just someone with four legs, someone to play with, run around with or just hang out.

So why do we do all this overtime in creating that distance, defining our space, and spend so much rotting in it, that the end of the tunnel, we see no light, we are just hoping for a rescue, pretending to others and mostly to ourselves.

It’s maybe because some part of us, is kept under the wraps, and I think its important that it remains that way and that’s what the distance is for.

But the funny thing is that there are times, when we do all the cartwheels and jumping through the hoops just to avoid that space and shorten that distance, especially with someone else, and that’s okai too.


Because at the end of the day, we’re just human, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull shit!!

We pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, or they hurt us.

The people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping.

And sure, sometimes close can be too close. Sometimes you want your personal space, but sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need!!

The Wisdom of Satire:

‘The soul is easier to know, than the body” said Descartes; facts of thoughts for him are different than that of our superficial existence. To me, this world, which by him is non existence, is the one that defines who I am and what I become.

And the key to survival in this world is denial, you deny you’re scared,you deny that you have given up, you deny that you want to fight, you deny you can do better, you deny you deserve better or you deny you got what you deserved, you deny you make mistakes, you deny your in love, and most importantly you deny that you are in denial!! We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works!!.. all the firgging time.

We lie to ourselves, about what we like, what we do, what we want to do, coz you never really know it yourself, infact we lie to so much that the lies starts to seem like the truth, we deny so much that we can’t recognize the truth right in front of our faces.

But it isn’t our fault, as humans we are designed this way. We love to secure ourselves, because we are well aware of the intruders, and as humans, we are always on the look out for intruders. We are always trying to prevent those on the outside from getting in.

But there will always be those who force their way into our lives, just as there will be those we choose to invite in , but the most troubling of them all are the one’s who stand on the outside looking in. The one’s we never truly get to know and yet every part of you wants to know why.

And at the end, I am left with a choice, either let the curiosity throw me back in the behavior that will get me into trouble (or teach me how to live – who knows) , or learn from your pain and do your best to move on.


But the thing with self inflicted pain is, you know the source, love it too much to do anything about it and then feel guilty as a sin for putting yourself through it.

And I know nothing would be worth the pain, but that’s the beauty of denial. I am not in pain and I don’t think I ever will be.

To change, I need motivation and that’s when I am like I don’t f-ing care. And I can grovel , I can sweeten, I can rant, I can come clean – and just say it out there out loud. – but then the cloud will melt only when it wants to.

Oh, how I hate powerlessness, the weak helpless feeling?. Especially when the cloud settles so deep around my eyes that it distorts my vision, flights of imagination. But I shall smile and even worse, smirk

Because at the end of the day, there is faith - it will turn up when you least expect it. It’s like one day I realize that my fairy tale is a lot different then I imagined. And I think that is okai, because, this world I live in is a world of denial. I never know what is really true, and I shall take solace in my imagination and my dreams.

Though I think my time has come, my ship is setting sail, Premature- tiny bit overeager and willfully blinded to consequences. I shall deny that I know they are inevitable.

Still Life

A common thread runs among all the places I like to hang out at, they are the ones that let you be, they have no dress code, no unsaid rules on your shoes or your clothes such places let you breath,they let you do what you are there for. Unfortunately work places aren’t of those kinds, but you wish they would be, since you spend most of your waking hours there. Ironically, the freedom of being liberated by education gets limited by our desire to become a professional.

‘m referring to an article I read in Times recently, about growing discrimination at workplaces, and it wasn’t clichéd gender/sex/race, discrimination, it was the superficial kinds, the kinds that make you wish you had washboard abs, slimmer legs, or worse, it was the kinds, that makes you hate who you are, than what you have become.

Instantly I felt myself filling up with hot rage, drowning in so much anger and outrage, not because I thought that article was directed to me, but I know it spoke to some, who probably missed a meal that day or went half hour extra to the gym.

Now there is a lot about this productivity bull crap that I don’t buy, for example, one article said that, the weight of an employee is inversely proportional to their career and remuneration growth. (Bull shit!!).That’s like justifying that women should be paid less because they shall avail of maternity leave at some point of time in their life.

I don’t believe that productivity benefits based on employees potential health condition has anything to do with employers. However I do believe ones appearance has a lot to do with opinions made on the so called professional workplace or even in their daily lives

This is prejudice- it is never reasonable and therefore cannot be reasoned by logic. But before you are quick to label me as a hypocrite (especially when I posses the irrational ability to spend a handful of mere boots) Let me clarify, that I aint against being concerned about your outer self, but I am at people judging you on the basis of that.

I am not polishing my halo, but you see- I haven’t tasted perfection, so I don’t know how that feels, I never let it settle in my marrow before I began to look for flaws. And I believe that, perfection is what we all seek – for respect. Respect that makes up for the lack of, many things!.

But the truth is respect is a cold bedfellow. It is just pride- the kind of pride that wrinkles its nose disgustedly at you when you know you are being undervalued, when ‘almost’ just doesn’t become ‘enough’ anymore, for any of us.

But somewhere I hope we are willing to take that in the lieu of abject self respect (or in my case sheer boredom)-that pulls you up short of a folly, or perhaps from the truth-who knows. Even when I could do better-I’d chosen not to.. for various better reasons.

(Too late! Too late!)

Perfection- even its fickle beauty so tainted, by my own knowing hands, does not wash clean-all my Lady Macbethian efforts wasted. And knowing that, accepting my incompleteness, resigning myself to this shallow world, my ego will never knucle, kneel or break down in supplication.

A friend shares a thought with me, What it boils down to,she says,is on all the planes you exist in this superficial world- among friends, with a lover, in a boardroom - nothing can make up for an impefect body,beauty or lack thereof!

But, some part of me - and I dont know what she likes to wear, I dont know if she wears a saree or if she smokes - rejoices in imperfection still!!

Looking Back:

At any given time, they say, the brain has about 14 billion neurons firing at the speed of 450 miles per hour. We don’t have any control over most of them. This is when we get a chill, when we get goose bumps, when we get excited; the body naturally follows its impulses, which I think is part of what makes it so hard for us to control ours

Of course, we do many things out of impulse, which we later wish we didn't and there are many impulses we control, which we later wish we hadn’t.


But we cant change what we do or dont, time waits for no man, listnes to no prayers,time heals all wounds, and all anyone of us can want is more time. Time to stand up, time to speak out, time to grow up, time to let go. And it was time, for me to let down my hair, to act on that impulse, and have great fun, with great friends, and it comes only with acting in that moment of time.

And I don’t know why we put things off, why sweep today’s possibilities under the rugs of tomorrow.The joy of grabing the moment and time(of which we have very little these days) sure is something and,we can’t pretend we haven’t been told, we have all heard the proverbs, we have heard the philosophers the damn poet talking about seizing the day. Still sometimes I think we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes, learn our own lessons.

And,if I had to take a guess on our ability to procrastinate I’d say it is out of fear, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of making a decision because what if you’re wrong? And, who the hell isn’t scared. All our lives we have been taught to deal with failure, but no one ever taught us to deal with fear. It was almost like one of those bad secrets that we would have to discover ourselves, and I don’t know how many of us have managed to deal with that fear and how many of us believe that,

Knowing is better that wondering, waking is better than sleeping,shouting is better than shutting up, and even the biggest failure and worst fear will always beat the hell out of never trying.

Another Life:

I am sitting alone, away, in my space, and what I desire from life, is piece of land I can call my own. I am sitting in a crowded place, because it’s only here I can find solitude, its only when your in a crowd you can be alone.

I squeezed some time out of my packed scheduled form this much awaited Sunday, pulled on my old rugged jeans and headed for the coffee shop. I did this when I was in college, and my favorite hang out was the open café at Leopolds.I always believe in taking time out for yourself, as should be the case with most of us, for some it’s the retail therapy, for some it’s a coffee shop. (Albeit I would prefer the retail therapy, but I think it’s a function of affordability)

And it’s only when I sit in solitude, force time out for myself, alone, I realize how far I am from where I want to be. I don’t know how many of us truly know, what we want. If you could, try asking yourself that? Can you find a definite answer?

Me, I have a list of things I want to do, none which are connected. But what I really want at this moment in time, is to travel, away, anywhere, with anyone. Now, this doesn’t mean I question my journey so far, I am here for a reason, to find out why is a quest.

But it’s really a comment from an old friend that compels me to further introspection. I have ambition-oodles of it! This should not be confused by drive. Each one of us desires to be on the top of a mountain, rise above what you desire; problem is we don’t know what that mountain is. You just walking a path, not carved by you, but paved by someone else.

Sometimes, I feel like I was shelled to smithereens and there are parts of me strewn all over. There’s a part that exults in a new pair of shoes and a good haircut. A part that wakes up after a late night; for 6:00 am swim, a part that prays every night, a part that dreams every day, a part the competes, a part that doesn’t f-ing care. So many parts, none which match, much like a bad jigsaw puzzle. A bit like Humpty Dumpty, except I don’t think I was ever a nice complete whole. Every time a new facet of my existence branched out, it just grew independent of the rest of me.

Therefore, I disagree with my old friend.
But self inflicted introspection is a bitch! It’s like a free of cost psychotherapy with a wannabe shrink who went to college on a marijuana scholarship!

The most galling thing about pain-my personal variety – is that it robs me of my expressions. I wanna crawl under my blanket stuff my head under the pillow, and never come out of there. But they say, ‘pain-you have to ride it off, live through it, hope is goes away, coz there are no solutions’

A thought occurs to me, perhaps the divine intervention is favorable to those who don’t try to tame the chaos, me, in all my ability to be carefree and careless, I try so hard to feel the winds of change. And I think that the winds of change don’t break those that swim in tandem to their erratic whims. Excuses don’t wash off the sorrow of having fallen down from my own estimation –again.

But hear me when I say, that perhaps floating, half sunken on your back with water blocking your hearing and your eyes squeezed against the sun is the only way to swim.

Maybe...

The heart is really stupid that way, it understands no logic, and it knows no consequence. It lives on a short selling dream.

It makes you gulp the last beer, when you know this will cost you more than you can pay, it makes you pick the best shirt, when you know your card limit is way overdue, it makes you kill time and spend those extra hours…just waiting.. .

Maybe the heart was designed to be stupid, because no amount intelligence can make up for how naturally foolish it can really get.

But , maybe we are not supposed to be happy,maybe he had it all planned, he gave us tools like love and gratitude to help us find happiness.But then again, maybe love is only an illusion; Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful is just being selfish. Maybe it is recognizing what you have for what it takes. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human.

But everyday, somewhere each one of us has a reason to celebrate, for we had the courage to be standing still. To be a survivor in this battle called life.

But what does one do, when you loose the battle. When your heart wrenches to reach out and jump with joy and it never happens, when you wait for that message and it never comes, when you browse through your mail every morning and there is nothing. What do you do, when you want to say it all, scream your heart out and fear takes in?

What you do, is make a choice. A choice which will be a descion to change things, a resolution; a promise to yourself. And at some point we all make a decision, because boundaries don’t keep people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, so make your peace with it! The choice is that, we can spend our lives drawing lines or we can live it crossing them.

But the truth is, there are some lines, which are dangerous to cross, and it these lines we don’t draw, neither do we choose to cross.
The truth is, there are something’s you can’t escape, and other things you don’t want to know.

But the truth about truth is that it hurts and therefore everyone lies. Everyone hides.

What I know is simple. Pleasure is good and Pain is bad, and no pain is better. But, the reality is that pain is there to tell me something,and maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.

And the reality for me is just faith.Some day I will realize, that life is not what you dreamt and that its not important to live happily everafter. Someday I will see that once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while, a part of that fairytale will come true.

Blessed…

“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

“Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”

“Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you

(Matthew 5 The Sermon on the Mount)


I am not a pacifist, and I refuse to turn the other cheek, when slapped on one. But, I also can’t bridge the gap between what is faith and what is known. There is no chapter on proof, in the Vedas. I believe humans were not intended to be skeptic. No one asks for a justification. Yes, man is still considered rational.

But I know not what I feel, when I read of the killings in Chattisgarh. Reminds me of the of the Jallianwala Bagh Massacre, I read in history and I wondered, how ghastly would a man’s psyche have to be, to have to open fire on innocent people, and its not 1919 anymore, but the thoughts are the same.

But, Should I talk about the killing of 11 unarmed protestors in Nandigram by police fire or the killing of 49 policemen by naxal fire? Reality Check thinks that the killings of the policemen are more shocking because the police represent the states’ monopoly over the use of violence (or in this case, the lack thereof). The monopoly over the use of force is the bedrock on which countries are built.

But, I am not here to challenge reality all I know is,there has been a mass killing, there has been a massacre, a state sponsored blood war. History does repeat itself.

One page of today’s news paper has all shades of this nation, a funeral for the men who were killed in the horrendous Maoists attack, a communist party reconciling with a massacre over a capitalist dream, an esteemed Supreme Court judge breaking down in public over allegations on his ethical character- a delayed verdict, a city struggling with basic problems of water, and a cricket super hero taking pleasure in the awe of his fans.


I believe this country’s emotions are as fragmented as this post and I don’t think I can really write anything more as; I wallow in my painless grief.

As a friend says very rightly’ Industrialization is about progress not regress’. But who will tell this, to the ‘uneducated’ literate bastards.

If killing is democracy …I am not Democratic!

Random Thoughts...

(*read at your own risk)


7:00 am: Earsplitting alarm, unsteady walk, hangover, still sleepy, can’t think, no plans, no thoughts, just fighting…fighting to get out of bed.


9:00 am: Wide awake, city’s a buzz, can sense the enthusiasm, can sense the frustration, can smell it… smell the chai,
I have an agenda, things to do, people to meet, work, presentation, now I am fighting…fighting the urgency, gotta meet someone!


12:00 pm: Yippee my presentations are done, grueling month, skipped lunches, tea breaks, We get a ‘good show’. now relieved, now sleepy, now I am fighting…fighting to stay awake, gotta meet someone too!

5:00 pm: Chai again, wasted hours, clichéd chats, nostalgic discussions, revelations, everything’s fine, I am fighting …fighting to stay awake. Someone to meet still!

8:00 pm: In a lecture, not interested, no conscience, unmoving, heavy eye-lids, no compromise, still fighting…fighting to stay awake. Someone to meet still!

9:00 pm…time to go home! End of a day, dinner and drinks, fluffing the pillow, reading a book, couldn’t meet someone…again!

… just a frivolous message….
and so it ends.

Choices…

I know this is my choice, my descion, self- inflicted source…so who do rant to about this!?, who do I complain to, I cant stand in front of the mirror and point fingers to myself and say “its your own damn fault!!”

I see his great wisdom at work, I am foolish enough to make mistakes, but wise enough to have a conscience that would hit me.

…but not anymore… Boredom and Lethargy are settling in my pores, weighing my eyelids down; making me unable to think about myself with regret. So much wisdom at hindsight-all the signs by the universe cannot stop me from thinking about it…which is clogging my senses and preventing the foul odor my scruples from reaching this thick brain of mine.

I can’t help but wonder about the choice I have made…I didn’t plan for this, Noosiree…I did not plan to be institutionalized.

I didn’t choose away my freedom. I didn’t choose away by sleep, my weekends, and my shopping sprees.

What I want is so much more than what Life is offering me right now, and these little desires which surface make it difficult for me to turn away…I can finally see that the parts do not add up to a whole.

Is this my perdition!?....do I have to sit through a lecture of a self bloated prof. do I have to turn down an invitation to fly down to another city. It’s the little girl again throwing tantrums… again…

I’m sitting through my lectures…dealing with a grumbling sciatic area…gives a new meaning to the phrase “pain in the ass”….

Excuses apart, I have to learn to live with my choices, I have to discern my desires and curb my impulses. I have to look at the bigger picture and stop my sub-conscience from getting the better of my “superego”.

What a fun prospect!!

Impulse…

So can a woman regret a good impulse!? OH yes!

In many ways there is a part of me that sighs in smug satisfaction at what I just did. That part of me is one that reads Ayn Rand, Paul Coelho, Ethics of Philosophy and The Holy Vedas. Then there is the part of me.. the pea brained, demented soul living on her impulse… singing at a Karaoke bar, driving down to Goa, deciding to leave for Lonavla at 8:00 pm, screaming in a open air café obscenities to mortify a friend (and boy did it work), the footsies, the sculling, the jives…

…the delight of being youthful.

..so I had another impulse, crawling in my brain but, its success was not my fate to decide. So like a dutiful daughter I ran up to him, with the toddler smile, I posed my request. Much to my surprise… Appa agreed… he smiled like a wise man and said… “I call it the dream of every youth and therefore I regret being old”

I rarely spend time with him these days. I forget his unassuming background. I forget how many impulses he might have trampled for me to fulfill mine.

And its not my conscience that smotes me…its his legacy that I have shrugged off that pinches me. Because somewhere in me, in my being that wallows constantly in self pity, there is his heritage. His words are always his to command, a small feat for a man who could often command his emotions- a heroic task for the likes of me.

… I smiled back “…being old makes you wiser Pa, I think I am growing up too”.

Small Wonders….

I detect negative energy very well- emitting from me, directed towards me and when it’s all around me, I call it “vibes”. I get this feeling in the mid regions right where my rib cage ends!

Some other feelings are like it too, anxiety, loneliness, fear --bone deep, silent kind! But when this feeling stays and knots into a dull sort of pain, that’s when I know how much I distrust it and how much I am in awe of it.

But amidst all the eloquent woes of mine, I have tried to keep myself surrounded by happy things, Happy couples, close friends and of course,Pree- if there is a goddess of positivism, she has been reincarnated.

But lately I have been waking up not feeling myself. Everyday has been a routine of:

Gritty eyes-check!! headache-check!!...lazy pissed off attitude-check!!

..the work, the deadlines, the non cooperating team members…just don’t add to any positive feeling.

And when negativism enters my life, it pervades its existence to all the other aspects of my life. I don’t want it too, but it just happens.

It’s funny what all you can do without trying at all. All the spiritual books in the world, all those little prayers in the night, don’t get rid of the evil. Sleep is just a temporary relief.

Then I tried, “selective perception” and *Blink* ….the unhappy me went on a holiday and in came the school girlish attitude. – giggly , incredibly uncontrolled!!

Little things made me happy - new shoes, new clothes, “shudder” pink outlandishly cute bottle, and cartoons ( so glad to see popeye was back in english)

Then of course there were the meaningful things - Lunch with mom, conversations with an old friend, demented laughter spree on bizarre self portraits, bike ride with a friend, phone calls from a distance...just to say what’s up…and... little gestures from the unexpected ones.

Life ain’t that bad after all.

Here and now

I think I have redeemed myself – alteast a little bit. Though I am mortified at thinking I mite have given someone the right impression.

My friends say that it has to do with the way I am. It’s a lot easier for me being me. (as I believe should be the case with everyone, but if only being true , came without a price…and whole lot of other bullshit)

I almost always give the right impression, when I am conscious of it and I enjoy it too.

Today however I wish I wasn’t as transparent. I wish I never said things as much as I did.

I wish I never called…I wish I never expected… for it never comes about and …with no surprises ...it never did.

But my heart is not broken, and I can’t say that without the feeling of mortification color my neck. I believe I have outpaced these emotional troughs and peaks.

..but if I suffer a little at the end of my desire and a few hidden what ifs run through my head. I owe it all to the fact that I am a woman and I write it down to the inability of the female mind to give up on its favorite fantasy.

Somewhere, I read the theory of commitment and logic constituting what everyone wants to romanticize into love… and I remember dismissing the same logic as frigid .

But then I thought that in , how we all love, loose, move on, love again, marry make babies and dismiss some of our emotions as childish and fleeting lies the proof …of how wise is the concept of “detachment.”

But that silly little thing on which my life runs refuses to go by this logic. I write this now, but tomorrow much like a brain dead person… my heart will take control.

I will smile again, I will wish again…I will daydream, and wonder then if it it will ever come true…

…Can you hear me?....



I have been struggling in the past few days to take some time off and pen down (type out) my thoughts….

..but in the process I have discovered the divine truth of MBA…. in the fear of being caught doing nothing, we take up some of the most frivolous tasks which lead to procrastination of the meaningful ones.

I write today about my thoughts that find root in someone elses...not just anybody though!


In the last few weeks I have had the privilege of sitting through the lectures of some of the great men of my time. Anil Tandon, Y.K.Sabarwal, Narayan Murthy, etc..


I heard them all, talk about the prominence of my nation. I felt the pride.

The pride that we are intelligent, we are unique with our culture, we have survived history, we have been blessed with spirituality, prestigious institutions and great philosophers, we a nation of a billion and counting and are finally visible on the real map of the world.

Unfortunately, I felt like it was all a myth…

Call me a skeptic…but I refuse to celebrate the 9% growth ; while my maid refuses to educate her child.

I refuse to believe that liberalization has done us good while the farmers still continue to take their lives.

I refuse to applaud the prestigious institutes; while the birth of a girl child is still considered as a shame in this nation.

My country's childhood has been traumatic....she has been ruled of her indepenence , she has been raped of her identity, but she still struggles today... be it the himalayan borders or the barren vidharba...

…I am saddened by the Identity crisis my country faces….

We laugh at the political system and the people who run it.

But a country gets the politicians it deserves!! and this laughter signifies denial. Denial due to the fear of our inability to change the system.



Its not funny to me ……not anymore……..